23 CommentsFirst Impressions, Hopefully Humorous / By Scamp /

Rio Rainbow Gate episode 1

Rio gloriously leaps straight off the end of the terrible and straight into ‘so bad it’s good’ land. This was so bad I did the classic act of spitting out my drink at the stupidity of the scenes. This was so fantastically bad I’m going to have to break it down further to perfectly illustrate just how bad this was.

Rio kicks things off in exactly the way it wants to continue. A mysterious pair of disembodied and extremely shiny legs lies under the covers with sexy saxophone music. You know the very music I’m speaking of. The one that goes duu du duu duuuuuuuu and usually has a women orgasming halfway through the final duuuuu. You think maybe the disembodied and extremely shiny legs would maybe shuffle about a bit or, judging by the music, instantly spread themselves as far apart as is reasonably possible. But nope, instead we get the same underwear stealing ferret that appears in numerous other fanservice anime, who I assume pulled down the sheets and stole the underwear underneath while simultaneously giving the disembodied and extremely shiny legs a Brazilian, but we only got to see the underwear stealing ferret get as far as pulling off the the sheet to reveal the extremely shiny legs were actually connected to an equally shiny pair of underwear.

The animation decides to take the route that anything looks good so long as you make it shiny. This is the direction they take with the fanservice at least. It’s a bit of a shock to see how poorly the jiggle physics are when you consider just how much time this show spends it’s time with the camera glued to a pair of breasts. There’s more than that though, asides from the quality tram in the above picture. Eyes don’t look like they’re attached to a persons face. They look in most cases like they’re hovering a few inches in front of the face. It got to the point that I couldn’t work out whether the villains eyes were his real ones or attached to his sunglasses. I think they were meant to be the type of sunglasses people wear when gambling to throw the opponent off, but then I’d have to assume the other characters are also wearing invisible glasses with eyes imprinted on the frames. The voices don’t match the lip flaps, the side characters are all the same design with different hair, breast size and different coloured magical hovering eyes. Top that all off with the aformentioned sheen that everything has.

Look at the shine on those breasts! You see what I’m talking about now? They jggled when she turned around as well, but they went up and down instead of side to side without her actually making any up or down movement. It’s like there’s a jiggle button built into the animation that the producers simply hit whenever they see a female character move. It’s the same stock jiggle that has nothing to do with the movement the character is making. In fact, I wouldn’t be entirely surprised if the owner of this casino has a built in electricuting machine that causes said jiggle. The blatent sexualisation of casinos and the demeaning jobs given to the women who work there make for an interesting undercurrent, especially since not a single women in the entire show seems too pushed about being dressed up in that way. Neither do the women attending the casino, who all seem just as enraptured by the casino girls as the men are. In fact, I wonder if any of the men even noticed the girls were wearing so little, they were too busy going OMG CASINO GODDESS I WIN MONEY NOW! Also seriously, look at those boobs. They’re just two pink shiny balls that aren’t even attached to her chest. No bra either, it’s not part of work uniform. We know because we got to see Rio dressing. I assume the underwear stealing ferret got them all.

Look at the shininess of the girls face! Look at those eyes, they aren’t attached to the shiny face for either of them. It’s even weirder when they blink, like the girl above, because the eyes shrink back into the face. Heck, why am I devoting so much time to the animation. The story is far more lulzy. Rio is a poster girl for the casino, who’s job is technically one of a dealer. However the owner has every reason to keep her as far away from the casino floor as often as possible because when she walks the floors, everyone around her wins. Yes, they instantly win every single bet. A single absent-minded stroll by Rio through the floors of the casino would probably cost the casino several thousand every single time, something no amount of advertising would realistically be able to recoup. It’s utterly baffling, but makes for many a hilarious scene.

That there is Rio’s amazing ability turning on and bankrupting the casino instantly. When you consider that the anime is technically an advertisement for a pachinko game, this whole sequence takes on an even better twist. Compare the spaced out casino compared to the loud, cramped pachinko parlours and Rio pachinko machines would typically reside. The anime even tells people that there’s no point in getting angry with a machine because your luck will change eventually so you’ve just got to keep slotting those coins in (no really, that was pretty much the exact lines). The marriage proposal scene took the cake. Guy is a wimp who can’t work up the courage to propose to his girlfriend? Don’t worry, your local casino will help! Just make wild bets on a whim and you’ll instantly gain the courage to propose to her. Of course she won’t accept you without money to pay for the wedding, so what will you do? Don’t worry, your local casino is here to help again by providing you with the funds for your special day!

Remember I mentioned the villains eyes and how I was convinced they were attached to his sunglasses? Heck, I haven’t even talked about the villains previous appearence, have I? How five of them attacked Rio and the little girl, then Rio did a judo throw on one of the lackeys while wearing a maids outfit and they instantly all ran away? Did I even mention the little girl earlier? How she can’t find anything interesting in the city at all, getting bored by such things like boats and magic shows, only to be utterly enthralled by the casino? Anyway, this guys eyes. Look at them there. They are clearly closed, so therefore not attached to his sunglasses. But now…

*poof* suddenly his glasses have eyes attached to them! They even have an edge on the right hand side. Maybe they change when he turns or something? I think he takes these glasses off later in the episode, so we’ll see then. What are the badguys after? The little girls teddy bear because *spoiler* he’s a collector of rare teddy bears. He challenges Rio to a duel, proper Yu Gi Oh style. Card games and all. Rio accepts because the companies policy is ‘whatever the customer wishes‘, she says with a boob jiggle or two, to imply that it really is whatever the customer wishes *wink* *wink* *nudge* *nudge*. Oh yeah, did I mention the famous actor in the casino, who the villain makes a big deal out of the fact YOUR LOCAL CASINO can attract beautiful celebrities?

The final sequence involves Rio wearing a wedding dress to become one with the cards, her and the villain having a believe in the heart of the cards battle, which involves an alternate world transformation sequences with sparkles and flowers and maths symbols and playing cards and jiggle physics (I never thought I’d see the day that the queen of spades was subjugated to jiggle physics) in one gloriously stupid finale. Oh, and Rios wedding dress gets ripped off to reveal those shiny panties and shinier legs. It was glorious. It was utterly dreadful in every single way possible, but oh so glorious. You have to watch this, even though I’ve spoiled the entire episode for you.

On a final note, those were actually his eyes all along. Why are they bulging out of his head like a mucked up Sims character? Did he draw those eyelashes on with permanent marker? These are just some of the weird and wonderful questions this anime has yet to answer.

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22 Comments

  1. luffyluffy
    Posted January 4, 2011 at 9:08 pm | Permalink

    Can’t.

    Fucking.

    Wait.

  2. Posted January 4, 2011 at 10:01 pm | Permalink

    A++ would read again.

  3. Posted January 4, 2011 at 10:20 pm | Permalink

    I think it’s much better to read your play-by-play than to actually watch it myself

  4. Technopenguin
    Posted January 4, 2011 at 10:39 pm | Permalink

    I look forward to your commentary series on this anime. Those anime winter solstices, eh? Am I wrong to start peeking at spring?

  5. Tenchi ryu
    Posted January 4, 2011 at 10:56 pm | Permalink

    I knew this was going to be an out there kind of series when I first saw it on your winter chart. I have a feeling this will be a show so bad, it will be a hit.

  6. OHEMGEE
    Posted January 5, 2011 at 12:21 am | Permalink

    I feel like you were focusing too much on his glasses. I seriously see NOTHING wrong >>

  7. OHEMGEE
    Posted January 5, 2011 at 12:24 am | Permalink

    Oh, and I’ll probably watch this since you insisted… <3

  8. hika
    Posted January 5, 2011 at 3:13 am | Permalink

    This post gave me the impression that (a) The anatomy is all wrong, (b) The show is suggesting that casinos are the solution to everything, and (c) “the same under­wear steal­ing fer­ret” is a threat to us all.

    Your commentaries crack me up…and I feel bad to be enjoying the result of your sufferings while watching the show.

  9. Alternate
    Posted January 5, 2011 at 7:24 am | Permalink

    Glorious, A++ read, would read again.

    Suspect floating eyes is something I’ll have to watch the episode for but it honestly sounds like crap.

  10. Gatts
    Posted January 5, 2011 at 9:43 am | Permalink

    Exactly what I expected from this “anime”. Soon we’ll see anime employ jiggle physics to motionless girls just for the heck of it.

  11. Posted January 5, 2011 at 3:39 pm | Permalink

    I raged.

  12. Posted January 5, 2011 at 3:49 pm | Permalink

    This was so bad it was awesome.

  13. Morridin
    Posted January 5, 2011 at 5:08 pm | Permalink

    I wasn’t planning to watch this show, but with the way you describe it I’d be sure it’s the hit of the new season.

    Then again, I reckon I can get the same laughs just reading about what happens.

  14. romulus
    Posted January 5, 2011 at 10:06 pm | Permalink

    I love the reviews where a witty blogger creates a better work than the evaluated work itself.

  15. Scamp
    Posted January 5, 2011 at 10:56 pm | Permalink

    If you liked this post, then you’ll love my Amagami SS episode 1 post, which is probably even better than this one.

  16. Posted January 6, 2011 at 1:20 am | Permalink

    THE GODDESS KISS INSPIRED THE BALL!

  17. Posted January 6, 2011 at 3:07 am | Permalink

    Wow this looks like complete shit. I might have to actually watch it now.

  18. Posted January 7, 2011 at 3:00 pm | Permalink

    The Amagami post is hilarious.

    Regarding Rio. I didn’t like it, for me it doesn’t cross that line of so bad that is good. I admit is is funny but I know that in one or two episodes I’ll get bored very bored.

    Thankfully we got your Irish humour to make this better.
    Thank you very much bounce.

  19. fury261
    Posted January 7, 2011 at 10:17 pm | Permalink

    haha so i read like the first paragraph of the post then decided to watch and see what was so bad about it. honestly at first i thought it wasnt completely trash, but after 6-10 minutes, it dawned on me as she walks through the casino and bankrupts the very casino that pays her salary…and is famous for it.

  20. mcm38
    Posted January 7, 2011 at 10:57 pm | Permalink

    So bad it’s good? I would try to watch it, but apparently they put on some fanservice blockade, so I still won’t be watching. Hmmm… what’s that… a ferret? Changed my mind will watch it.

    *Starts watching it*
    What’s this? Sea, Hotel, Legs, aah… there it is ferret, limousine rich ppl, *starts feeling depressed* arrogant and unsatisfied rich granddaughter, rich grandpa with a kind character *watches again to confirm he wasn’t dreaming* … well maybe there are realy those kind of rich ppl … k next, kind hollywood star? *ignores it*, yay ferret again, girl follows ferret, oooh … everything is shiny … Rio+Casino= everyone happy! …
    *moves mouse to most upper right corner of screen and click*

  21. Posted January 8, 2011 at 2:14 pm | Permalink

    So bad it’s good? More like so bad it’s SKULL-CRUSHINGLY DULL.

  22. White Phoenix
    Posted January 12, 2011 at 7:49 am | Permalink

    Judging from some of your first episode comments, are you a Type A/teen-complex kind of anime watcher? You seem to dislike all the anime I like (ones that have lulz, boobs/fanservice, slapstick comedy, etc) and promote the ones I tend to stay away (DEEP, DRAMATIC PLOT, HEROES WITH DARK PASTS, ETC).

    Your writeup was awesome, regardless.

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