61. Yonna in the Solitary Fortress
What is it?: Yonna and Stan are a brother and sister with Mysterious Powers™ who are confined to a fortress so that nobody will be abuse their Mysterious Powers™. One day, however, an agent from the government comes to persuade them to use their Mysterious Powers™ for some unknown, shady cause. There’s also another agent, Garuda, who claims to be from the government, too, and also wishes for them to use their Mysterious Powers™ for something or other.
What?!: The first government agent is some manner of flying pig creature.
One man gang: One dude is apparently responsible for every creative facet of the movie, which is sort of impressive.
Yonna is much more impressive as a tech demo than a movie. Aside from the occasional hilarious expression on the faces of the characters, it doesn’t look to bad when you consider one person made the whole damn thing. Unfortunately the effort is wasted on a trite, boring fantasy tale. The conflict barely resonates because there are so many unknowns. Some bits of the Mysterious Powers™ are shown off, but they’re not really exciting. It can be presumed that the government is evil, but when all we see is some flying pig thing, it’s difficult to muster up some good ol’ hate. There’s nothing to really get behind in this movie.
62. Tenbatsu Angel Rabbie
What is it?: Lasty Farson is an angel sent to a certain point in history to try to stop a catastrophic war from occurring. She’s clumsy and awful in her normal form, but when she’s an angel she beats the shit out of everything and captures the hearts of lonely masturbators everywhere. Her first job is a big one, but her superiors believe she’s up to the task.
What?!: This is so boring and average that I have nothing clever to write here.
Or here: Move along.
I’m kind of baffled as to why this has such a low score on MAL (5.55, which is way down in the god damn dumpster by that site’s standards). Is it boring? Yes. Is the story exciting? No. Is it thoroughly average? Yes. It doesn’t look terrible, though, and the plotting isn’t THAT inept . . . just really squeezed in. Then again, I was so bored by this that the entire entry has been awful, so there’s that.
63. Blue Flames
What is it?: A wannabe Patrick Bateman uses sex to fuck his way to the top, moving away from his boring small town and determined to make his name in Tokyo.
What?!: The main character might be the most boring sociopath ever.
Golgo 13: He has much more entertaining sex.
Blue Flames is a thoroughly banal story about an ice cold bore who uses anyone and everyone to fulfill his ambitions and grab some sort of excitement in the world. Too bad it doesn’t say or do anything different than any other story of this ilk that has been written or put to the screen. Yawn. The only thing of note about this OVA is that it was directed by Noboru Ishiguro, who you all may know better as the director of The Super Dimension Fortress Macross and Legend of the Galactic Heroes. Hey, gotta pay the bills somehow!
64. Girl Detective Club
What is it?: A girl is kidnapped and her two dumbass friends bumble into saving her because one of them is good at video games and the other can pull a gun out of her panties.
What?!: The kidnapped girl has an airship in her house, presumably because she is rich.
Check out the MAL bios: Whoever wrote them must have felt exceedingly sarcastic that day.
The name of Girl Detective Club confuses me, because there is no detective work to be seen in this OVA. My theory is that the name is sarcastic; otherwise, I’d have to accept that these vapid idiots form a detective trio, which is more than my mind can handle. The OVA is occasionally entertaining because of how goofy it is, but I checked out around the halfway point and barely remember the second half because, well, caring was just too much effort.
65. Fish in the Trap
What is it?: A high school kid and beginner swimmer gets involved with an older dude who is a great swimmer and businessman. His friends are assholes.
What?!: It’s basically a set-up for lots of man-kissing and sexual harassment.
Title: If it actually meant anything, I’ve totally forgotten what it is.
The story of Fish in the Trap is fairly meaningless. It’s mostly an excuse for a group of jerks to molest a poor high school kid before the older guy — who is slightly less of a surly jerk than his friends — swoops in and saves the kid from said jerks. They might kiss, too; I honestly don’t remember. So, um, watch for the boy kissing if you like that? It’s pretty boring otherwise.
66. Psychic Force
What is it?: In a world where normal people are totally jealous of people with psychic powers, Burn Griffith (yes, that’s the name our hero is going with) befriends “Bandit” Keith Evans. Unfortunately, things fall by the wayside and a couple of years later, Keith “Moon” Evans is kind of a dick. Like a, “Yo, guys, we should totally use our psychic powers to dominate the world. Whaddya say?” kind of dick.
What?!: There is nothing more “What?!” worthy than Burn’s hair. Jesus Christ.
Is this basically a low-rent s-CRY-ed?:You bet your ass it is.
Seriously, Psychic Force doesn’t even have the courtesy to come up with an awesome stupid name like Straight Cougar, or give anyone powers that have to do with balls. What gives? I barely remember any of this because my brain checked out super early. Not even the promise of psychic powers could save this. I’ll just pretend Burn used his hair trident to psychically stab Keith and save the day. That sounds like an awesome ending.
67. Hyper-Psychic Geo Garaga
What is it?: The cargo ship Xebec (not the studio) flies through space but goes off-course into some warp zone where they end up on the planet Garaga, which is populated by dinosaurs, ape soldiers and psychics.
What?!: The apes speak English.
Dub: It tries valiantly to make Garaga not boring. It fails.
This anime sounds as if it should be awesome, but for whatever reason it didn’t click with me at all. I even listened to the English dub, which is stuffed to the brim with the sort of bad acting that almost guarantees something to be a true terribad classic. But it’s just . . . man, I don’t know. Maybe I just watched it too late in the evening, and my mind wandered, but I was bored out of my skull watching this. There’s just no reason to care at all, and it drags on and on and on far past the point where it’s of any interest at all. How could I be bored of something with English-speaking ape soldiers?! I hate you, Garaga.
68. Superdimensional Romanesque Samy: Missing 99
What is it?: A high school girl, Samy, gets caught up in a gang fight, and then, as often happens, she falls into a portal between dimensions and ends up in a world where folks on a mission from God (and who also are not the Blues Brothers) are fighting against demons who wish to Take Over the World because the place to which they’ve been banished totally blows.
What?!: Samy has magic powers, of course, and she totally doesn’t know about them.
Playing pretend: Norio Wakamoto, Shuuichi Ikeda and Toru Furuya play the main demons. I made it through by acting as if it were Coach Ota, Char Aznable and Amuro Ray talking to each other.
Samy sounds as if it has all the markings of a gloriously entertaining trainwreck: the story is utter nonsense and taken way too seriously, and visuals are awful. But, god damn, this is just so boring. If I didn’t have the novelty of Wakamoto, Ikeda and Furuya conversing, then I really don’t know how I would have made it through this mess. How could something turn such a crazy story into such a mindless slog? You got me. But, hey, we had lots of talking heads explaining every stupid detail of this story constantly, and I suppose that’s what matters.
What is it?: Look this is basically Evangelion except way worse and the pilots have tepid psychic sex when they pilot robots. It’s not worth recapping in detail.
What?!: You heard me. Deal with it!
David Aussie: My pet name for the OVA because I was so bored with it my mind wandered to dumb puns.
What a dumb, boring sack of fuck. It tries super hard to have some sort of weird psychosexual tone, but it’s mostly idiotic and laughable. This is the worst type of anime that sprung up in Evangelion‘s wake: A dumb story that thinks it’s way smarter than it is, and no visual panache to make up for it. Bleh.
70. Panzer Dragoon
What is it?: Kyle is a dude whose LADY is stolen by a dragon. Luckily for Kyle, another dragon comes along and is like, “Yo, we should team up” and Kyle agrees. He then proceeds to bitch the entire time.
What?!: The dragon can speak to Kyle via psychic powers but elects not to until the end for reasons.
GIVE ME BACK MY LADY: Kyle screams this like every five seconds.
“Based on the hit video game.” These are usually words you don’t want to hear in another entertainment medium. Panzer Dragoon continues that grand tradition of suck while kicking it up another notch. I don’t know if this is the ugliest anime I’ve ever seen, but god damn, it has to be in the top three at least. The backgrounds are the laziest CG mess I’ve ever seen. Better yet, the anime is actually pixelated! I cannot remember ever seeing that before. I don’t know if it was a problem with the original anime, or if whoever transferred it to DVD or VHS or whatever is horribly inept, but it’s a real problem, because Justin Sevakis brings it up in his Buried Garbage column on the OVA. I don’t even want to talk about the story or characters except to say they make me want to boycott Sega.