41. Abashiri Ikka
What is it?: The Abashiri family is one of Japan’s most notorious gangs; however, they’re pulling one more job before hanging it up for good. Afterward, the Abashiri daughter, Kikunosuke, is sent to a boarding school so that she can grow up as a normal girl and not a gang member. Unfortunately, as is often wont to happen, the school is run by evil teachers who beat, rape and murder students.
What?!: Much like with Kawajiri, this is an OVA based off a Go Nagai work, so it’s one long “What?!” moment. Maybe the “What?!” is learning that it’s not QUITE as viciously, horrifically rapey as other Go Nagai stuff? (While still being rather rapey, mind.)
Abashiris: I like them better when they are robbing banks.
I’m running out of things to say about OVAs adapted from Go Nagai works. The history behind the original Abashiri Ikka manga is kind of interesting: Basically, Go Nagai created it in protest to the outcries against one of his first big successes, Harenchi Gakuen. So basically this is Go Nagai saying, “You guys want something really offensive? Well, here you go!” You can imagine how that went, content-wise. The beginning is actually kind of fun. It depicts the Abashiri family’s final bank heist; it’s appropriately loud and ridiculous, with each family member getting introduced killing a bunch of mooks with a crazy power. Then it slows down once the Abashiris become more normal and send Kikunosuke to the boarding school. I’m not sure how accurate the OVA’s plot is to the manga, but it’s full of students vs. faculty stuff I’ve seen tons of times before; I guess I wouldn’t be surprised to hear this manga originated a lot of that. Still, it’s quite dull until the big war at the end when suddenly it’s super violent — like way more violent than before. It’s kind of weird!
42. Hon Ran aka Crimson Wolf
What is it?: Archaeologists do what they do best in movies and wake the slumbering spirit of Genghis Khan. Mr. Khan is not so happy about this and foretells doom for the human race unless three chosen ones can defeat the three emperors so that Khan can catch another thousand-year nap.
What?!: The Big Bad is a giant supercomputer. What this has to do with Genghis Khan I don’t know.
Sexy times across the ages: Two of the chosen ones totally did the nasty in the pasty and recall their memories while screwing like untamed ferrets in the present.
Hon Ran is your basic early ’90s ultraviolent OVA that was farted out so very much. Body parts are chopped up, people are shot everywhere, there’s lots of boning and nudity, the whole nine yards. I’ve seen so much of this basic type of OVA that I’m honestly getting bored of them. Hon Ran isn’t any better or worse than a lot of them — I mean, Genghis Khan’s ghost is involved in this silly mess, but it’s not as if the plot is any dumber than other anime. It’s just . . . there’s nothing really interesting, exciting or different about it. It’s a competent but boring production.
43. Battle Spirits: Ryoko no Ken
What is it?: Martial artist Ryo and his best friend, Robert, get into a series of scrapes involving a lost cat, ancient artifacts, overdue bills, and Ryo’s sister being kidnapped by the mob. No big deal.
What?!: The crime lord’s name is Mr. Big.
Getting the cat back: The most important mission of all.
Battle Spirits is a big, dumb, goofy OVA. I honestly barely remember anything except the major beats, which is why it’s so low. You’d think something that mixed cat sitting and the mob would be more memorable.
44. Super Mario Bros.: Great Mission to Rescue Princess Peach
What is it?: Mario and Luigi are shop keepers who live in Brooklyn and thirst for adventure. A wizard sends them a dog, who leads them to the Mushroom Kingdom, which is located right next to Brooklyn, which may not actually be Brooklyn at all since it seems like their shop is in a desert. Anyway, they have to collect some MacGuffins so that they can kick Bowser’s ass and stop his Mayan wedding ritual before we have to see his disgusting wedding night with Peach.
What?!: The dog is a prince who cockblocks Mario by totally sexing up Peach.
Horny toads: Mushrooms the world over want to launch their spores onto Mario, if you know what I mean.
If there’s something that rarely works, it’s pushing story where it’s unnecessary. Does Super Mario Bros. need a story outside of “Mario rescues Peach and murders turtles”? Of course not! But that doesn’t stop garbage like this from being made. And because there is no story to speak of, everything has to be filled out with mushrooms trying to round up an orgy for Mario, Mario dressing like a ballerina, Peach using magic powers to change Bowser’s shape, and so on. This fucking movie, god damn.
45. Voltage Fighter Gowcaizer
What is it?: A mysterious transfer student has great potential for power within him. A fellow student helps him out by hooking him up with a stone that allows him to transform into an armored action hero.
What?!: The character designs, story and overall feel are ’90s as FUCK. I mean, Jesus Christ, look at those two up there! There are also plenty of giant, heaving titties and leotard thongs to sway you if you remain unconvinced.
Omni Exist: Final Fantasy villain or the final boss of Gowcaizer? You decide.
I’ll be honest: I was so struck by how GOD DAMN ’90s this is that I have only the slightest idea of what actually happens in this. I know there’s a special stone, some sort of god creature that takes over a school for some reason, an obscenely powerful student council headed by an incestuous brother and sister (I think??), and a robot that gets a nosebleed when it sees its giant-tittied master taking a shower. That’s pretty much what I recall from the story. I don’t even remember any character names. The sheer, absurd ’90s-ness of this carried all the entertainment value for me.
What is it?: Two guys come across an accident scene and find a pod containing a creature that is definitely — definitely! — a woman. One of the dudes is immediately taken with the mysterious, vampiric creature called Kimera. When Kimera is taken away to an Air Force base, the guy in love decides he has to retrieve him — I mean, her! Her! — at any cost. Unfortunately, there are other vampires around who totes want to tap that.
What?!: Someone drops a keycard that allows our hero to easily get around the Air Force base. Oops!
In denial: ADV, which tries pretty desperately in the English dub to pretend it’s not two dudes smoochin’ away.
Well, technically, I believe Kimera is supposed to be intersex. But, really, that’s just to provide a reason why Kimera can make vampire babies. Really, Kimera is intended to be a dude who can make babies, like Arnold Schwarzenegger. I guess you just can’t have a dude making out with a vampire dude, even if their romance is fairly tepid. It’s not like Kimera is wall-to-wall vampire buttsex. Actually, that might have made this OVA exciting, because this is boring as fuck.
47. Pinky Street
What is it?: An action figure named Saki has the ability to transport people to a terribly rendered CG world where they can overcome their insecurities. Saki helps a tomboy named Mei get the courage to wear girly clothes and be a girl, and she helps an obsessive otaku named Keiichirou . . . uh, I’m not really sure how she helped Keiichirou.
What?!: Nothing really that “What?!” worthy since this is a kids show, but I’m pretty sure Keiichirou has jerked off to Saki plenty.
Saki: If you want to reinforce gender roles, she’s the magical girl for you!
I’m not totally sure why Pinky Street came up in the terribad watch. Maybe it’s because of the super low MAL score? It’s not really that bad; just pretty dull, and the Mei episode sends some unfortunate mixed signals to kids. People won’t accept you unless you fit yourself into accepted gender roles! Yeah, you can argue that Mei wants to have the confidence to wear girly clothes despite her tomboy image, but you can be into “girl” stuff and still be the type of person Mei is in the beginning. Pinky Street doesn’t make that point — it goes full on “Welp, Mei is girlier now, so she’s cool! Yay!” The CG is pretty terrible, too, but otherwise, Pinky Street is just dull, which is something you can say about a ton of stuff ranked higher than this. MAL is just dumb.
48. Idol Fighter SuChiPai
What is it?: There are these legendary mahjong thingers where if you catch ‘em all, you can have any wish you want granted. Several fighters — including a bunny alien, cyborg, domimaidtrix, magical girl pop star, etc. — do battle to get these mahjong MacGuffins. It’s a homeless person’s Fate/zero is what I’m saying, without Gen Urobuchi jerking off whenever someone is horribly brutalized.
What?!: This one-shot was created to advertise a strip mahjong game, so it makes no sense and is full of sexxxy times.
Bunny girl vs. cat girl: Who will win the battle for the hearts of furries everywhere?
Sometimes I miss the practice of making incoherent one-shot OVAs to advertise stupid products. This is essentially a ridiculous series of vignettes highlighting every girl in the game whose clothes you will shed while playing mahjong, you sick fucking perverts. Everything culminates in a final battle against a cat girl that is, um, something, that’s for sure. Remarkably enough, this is actually dubbed in English. Those are days I also miss: when the American anime industry was somehow flush with cash enough to dub garbage like this. I don’t care if actual good anime are dubbed in English, but damn it, give me my stilted, wooden English acting in terrible anime!
49. Karasu Tengu Kabuto: Ougon no Me no Kemono
What is it?: Kabuto is a warrior who saves a princess and her bodyguard from the clutches of an evil sorceress who spends most of her time lounging around in the nude. Also, Kabuto has wings because he’s part raven or something, I don’t know.
What?!: One of Kabuto’s enemies is a samurai mecha, and the mecha’s defeat begins a sort of running gag: the villains leaving the husks of their bodies behind to explode.
Buichi Terasawa: The man behind Cobra wrote the manga this OVA adapts.
I had somewhat high hopes for this OVA due to Terasawa’s name being attached to it. Let me clarify that rather than expecting something “good,” I expected something filled to the brim with weird fucking shit. And there is plenty of strange stuff here! But, much like with Crimson Wolf from earlier, that craziness isn’t quite enough to hold my attention. These ultraviolent OVAs are burning me out! It probably doesn’t help that I don’t give much of a shit about ancient Japan now, too, even when you fill it with samurai mecha and snake ladies. Sorry, Mr. Terasawa. We’ll always have Cobra, which is crazy awesome. Watch Cobra, everyone!
What is it?: A high school student is transported to a world where furries rule the land and evil furries are trying to destroy the world and the good furries are trying to stop them. I’m pretty sure this is the plot of Garzey’s Wing but with more animals.
What?!: The main character turns into a dragon at one point. I was really bored during this OVA, so I totally missed how this happened. All I know is that I looked back at the screen and suddenly fat dragon.
Yappie: Half anime cute girl-half dragon, ALL LOVE MACHINE. (OK, not really.)
Ugh. These things are really the worst to watch. It’s utterly mediocre, and the only thing of note that happens is that the main character turns into a sad, fat dragon with no friends. That’s it. There is otherwise nothing remarkable about this. It exists. It can, presumably, be watched from start to finish. It has a bland story that it tells blandly with bland animation that is neither good nor bad. It’s there. It’s all just there.