31. Biohunter
What is it?: People all over Japan are being affected by a virus that turns them into monsters. By day, two scientists, Komada and Koshigaya, seek the virus’ cure, and by night, they slay those who have no hope of regaining their humanity.
What?!: One of the scientists is himself infected with the virus and has to restrain himself around some hot young thang who accompanies the pair of scientists on their journey. I wonder if this is a metaphor for something?
Wingman: Koshigaya relentlessly ships Komada with said young lady, Murakami, although whether he is successful in hooking them up is something I shan’t reveal!
Biohunter was adapted to OVA form by Yoshiaki Kawajiri, which should tell you most of what you need to know about this. There are sexy times aplenty, loads of tentacles and enough violence to make anyone a happy camper. It’s not bad, either; pretty gross, but it keeps things simple enough to stay coherent, and even the English dub is OK. When it comes to this sort of thing, though, I want more incoherency, and I definitely want more outrageousness. The identity of the main killer the scientists track is nice enough, but not unheard of for this sort of thing. But of course, maybe it’s saying something about the power system of the time? Ha.
32. Crystal Triangle
What is it?: A poor man’s Indiana Jones finds a box with two crystal triangles. After doing some Science, he finds that the triangles hold the key to the lost message God included with the Ten Commandments. The Russians (despite being godless communists) and Americans are also keen to get their hands on this message and go after our intrepid hero with gusto.
What?!: God is an alien fetus.
By the way: That’s not Jerid from Zeta Gundam. He is a warrior voiced by Norio Wakamoto. Sadly, he is not the main character.
Crystal Triangle is what happens when your dad makes Raiders of the Lost Ark. It has all the parts, but none of the understanding of what makes Indy so cool and charming. But there is plenty of midlife crisis Indiana Jones exchanging “clever” lines with hot CIA agents and college-age chicks who are definitely not going to turn evil and definitely not get possessed by evil spirits at some point later in the movie. What a suggestion! There are some decent set pieces, though, and the revelation of God at the end is worth sitting through all this stuff. I laughed quite a bit!
33. X/1999
What is it?: Kamui Shirou is a whiny douchebag who unfortunately has powers that are key to saving the world . . . or destroying it! *DUN DUN DUN* He can join with either the Dragons of Heaven, who are dedicated to preserving the Earth, or the Dragons of Earth, who are dedicated to the destruction of all human life so that the planet can be purified. Unfortunately, Kamui’s friend, Fuma, is fated to be on the opposite side of this battle and kill 75 percent of the cast so that the movie can be 90 minutes long.
What?!: The creators fly by the seat of their pants so much that they had to invent a character to fill out the Dragons of Earth, because the last one had not been introduced in the manga when they made this movie. He is as inconsequential as one would expect.
Decapitations: X/1999 has some hilarious ones.
As I explain later in the Harmagedon entry, I like the director of this movie, Rintaro, for the most part. The key to liking Rintaro, I think, is to accept that he gives no fucks about telling a coherent story most of the time. He just wants to draw some cool fucking shit. I can dig that. X/1999 fits right in line with that approach: the story makes zero sense because there’s no time for it to make sense. It kills off the two best characters with the most gripping backstory and conflict in the manga in the first 10 minutes of the movie, likely to save itself the trouble of telling their story. They’re not even named during the battle, and if they are named during the movie, it’s likely during some throwaway conversation when nobody gives a shit anymore. They literally exist to have a cool-looking battle and die. That is pretty much Rintaro in a nutshell.
The main reason I don’t really consider this a good Rintaro movie is that the ratio of “cool looking shit” to “vapid, boring dialogue” is tilted too much to the latter. It’s all “OMG UNMEI” this and “I AM KAMUI AHHHHHHHHH” that. Yawn. More apocalypse, please.
34. Demon City Shinjuku
What is it?: Kyoya Izayoi’s father is killed by the psychic demon lord Rebi Ra, who proceeds to open a portal to hell in Shinjuku, because he’s kind of a dick like that. A decade later, Kyoya is asked by the daughter of the world president to cut up some demons and save the world. Kyoya isn’t totally down for this, but he ends up doing it, anyway.
What?!: This is a Kawajiri joint, so the whole movie is basically one big “What?!” moment. Everyone in the English dub has a completely different accent for some reason. Maybe that counts?
Tentacle ladies: Heroes are always fooled by them.
Demon City Shinjuku has many of the hallmarks of a typical Kawajiri outing: Good animation, demons out the ass, lots of violence, good mood setting, etc. But Shinjuku isn’t quite as enjoyable as, say, Biohunter, even though it is just as pulpy. Why is that? I think it’s because the characters just aren’t that appealing. In Biohunter the scientists feel like they’ve been friends for a long time. They have a good rapport going, and it’s interesting to see that play out while they’re blasting demons. There’s nothing nearly that fun in Shinjuku. The disgusting demons have to carry the movie, and while they do an admirable job, they can’t quite finish the job. I will say, however, that it is almost always entertaining to see someone take out a giant spider demon.
35. Psychic Wars
What is it?: A broad-shouldered, monotone-voiced surgeon gets psychic powers and must go to the past to stop an invasion of evil demons. Along the way he tags up with some hot stuff who is definitely not the woman who hopes to trigger the evil demon invasion, I mean I have no idea where you’d get a silly idea like that.
What?!: Psychic powers come from cancer.
What kid of cancer?: Old lady cancer.
Psychic Wars in a nutshell: The hero’s psychic powers make him glow and punch and kick stuff better. That is the amount of thought put into the action, the characters, the plot, and the animation. I think the hero is monotone because he’s matching the amount of energy the staff put into the production of this OVA. But if you want to watch Big, Hulking Surgeons Punch and Kick Stuff, then here’s your anime!
36. Tekken: The Motion Picture
What is it?: The evil Heihachi Mishima organizes a fighting tournament, as evil people in fighting games are wont to do. In this tournament are Heihachi’s son, Kazuya, who is out for revenge; Jun Kazama, an agent with Interpol; Hong Kong detective Lei Wulong; and more.
What?!: There’s also a giant cyborg and a boxing kangaroo. And dinosaurs.
Heihachi: Worst dad ever.
I was sort of looking forward to the Tekken movie, if only because the Tekken games have a reputation for very bizarre stories, even among fighting games (whose stories are normally utter nonsense). Unfortunately, it takes more than half the movie for anything interestingly weird to happen. Most of it is boring bullshit like Kazuya angsting over his shitty dad, or Lei doing some stupid investigation or a hilarious Native American character design or whatever. It wasn’t until the boxing kangaroo showed up that I started enjoying myself. Then there were cyborgs and dinosaurs and stuff, so it did get sort of awesome by the end.
37. Sword for Truth
What is it?: A samurai slices and dices his way through hordes of minions to rescue a princess from a deadly ninja clan. There are also demons and other ninja clans.
What?!: I don’t know why you’re shouting; this isn’t that crazy, as far as terribad goes.
Opium: It leads to lesbian sex. Always.
Sword for Truth – opium-induced lesbian sex aside — is fairly tame as far as terribad anime goes. Sure, it’s violent, but not to an insane extent. The story’s not especially incoherent. It just goes in, does its thing and gets out. That’s probably part of why I don’t like Sword for Truth maybe as much as I should. It’s not nearly as good as the best samurai anime, but it also doesn’t quite have that same air of insanity going for it as the best of the best in terribad. It’s just there.
38. Doggy Poo
What is it?: The heartwarming tale of a freshly-produced pile of dog shit going through an existential crisis.
What?!: That pile of crap next to our hero is apparently a dirt pile, but I don’t buy it. Also, it looks like Grimace.
Birds: Fucking assholes, all of them.
I can’t be too hard on Doggy Poo, because 1) it’s clear this is a story for children, and 2) it’s at least trying to teach kids that everything and everyone has value, even if you’re a pile of dog shit. But come on. It’s a pile of dog shit. Sorry to crap all over the moral like that. (And of course the cute pile of dog shit is hired to put a lovely face on the whole thing, while the real dog shit out there cries itself to sleep at night because it can’t match that standard of beauty.) The English dub is kinda racist, too, though no doubt unintentionally so, which makes it all the funnier. MAYBE WE’RE ALL JUST DAAAAAAAAAAAWGY POOOOOOOOOOOOOO
39. Mutant Ninja Turtles: Superman Legend
What is it?: The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles continue their never ending fight against moeblob Krang, who is accompanied by the comedy stylings of manzai trio Shredder, Bebop and Rocksteady. As always, the turtles are aided by their fairy companion, Crys-Mu, who provides them with the mutastones, which transform the Ninja Turtles into super-powered fighting machines!
What?!: Shredder goes on vacation to “[his] hometown of Japan” at one point. And the Foot Clan vacations in Miami.
URUCHAI: URUCHAI URUCHAI
As you might gather, this TMNT anime tinkers slightly with the formula. The first episode is a tour de force of hilarity as the Turtles and their universe are anime’d up like fucking crazy, and new shit is unveiled at every corner that is sure to make Turtle fans react like, “WAIT, WHAT?!?!?!” The second episode . . . not so much. Despite Shredder returning to his roots, this episode is nowhere near as amusing or stupidly inventive. That first episode is oh so worth it, however, even if it will ruin your childhood.
40. Haru no Ashioto: The Movie
What is it?: Three girls attend a peaceful school. One day, however, the tranquility is shattered when a teacher pulls a coup d`état on campus and takes over the school with the help of much of the student body. The three girls, whose names are utterly unimportant, must battle their way to the top and end their teacher’s reign of terror.
What?!: The end pulls an anticlimactic twist that is almost on the level of California Crisis, but not quite.
Shonen powers:These girls have them, and they use them well.
Honestly, I didn’t think this was that bad. It’s quite silly, and the ending feels as if it should come with a photo of some dude shrugging with a stupid look on his face while the Price is Right horns play, but it’s fun enough for a one-off OVA about a silly school coup. I really wish this had been able to go further, though. Like, I could imagine this being unbelievably hilarious if it were stone-faced serious about a totally stupid subject. Actually, what am I talking about? Everything after the halfway point of Guilty Crown is basically what I want from this. Never mind!
54 Comments
Holy cow! Five pages of this! Will have to finish reading when I get back from work.
I BROUGHT THE BIG GUNS FOR THIS, MY FRIEND
I don’t have the chance to do Terribad much myself either but I do wish you were there more when I do! It is truly the highlight of all anime watching, much as Cosprayers was the highlight of all anime production.
Re: Vampire Wars:
There was one line, when the guy wakes up and swears totally inappropriately but I can’t remember what it was — “WHAT THE ASS??” or something like that that had us rolling. But nothing on par with any of Sleepy’s lines.
Haha, now that you mention it, I remember something similar to that in the movie. Manga UK was really at the top of its game for that dub.
Garzey’s Wing is my favorite anime.
But I can see why you’d put Kenya Boy at #1.
I might just fandub Legend of Duo for you.
and then I noticed five pages. Where’s the Sisters?
Or Shuffle for that matter?
I should have explained it better in the intro, but I included only anime that has been watched in the SCCSAV wing that watches such things. I doubt you’ll see Shuffle! or Sister Princess on here, because they’d never touch them, but I assure you they would be at the bottom. Both lower than Odin, I might add.
Kenya Boy was my first terribad group experience. That somehow makes me very happy; it could have been Apocalypse Zero *shudders*. Still, Garzey’s Wing will always be my champion on this list, if only for the line, “I’m not lying, 12th and 13th century foreigners surround me!”
Also, no Urotsukidoji? Granted, it’s by no means the worst thing here, but it should have some recognition, if only for scaring the shit out of me when I was 15 years old.
I only included stuff that has been watched in the SCCSAV terribad group.
The only one I watched was Itsudatte My Santa!, which only got a ~ out of me. Maybe you’d like it more if you watched it dubbed.
Maybe, but that would also mean watching it again, and I’d rather my penis took an acid bath.
I watched Itsudatte My Santa twice. I maintain that the first episode isn’t dreadful
Thanks for a fantastically entertaining read. The dialogue in Angel Cop, your scorn towards the nested plot flashbacks in Legend of Duo, your moeficiation of Dracula – every step of the way is paved with gold.
Thanks!
Oh wow. That Prince of Tennis clip. The universe has nothing on Tezuka. I’m glad a newer anime has made it to the top 10. I swear the show is just shamlessly cheesy. It embraces shounen exaggeration like nothing else.
I haven’t seen most of this but I definitely enjoyed Garzey’s Wing, Mars of Destruction and of course, Kenya Boy. I’m not sure what to make of those last minutes of the film. But let me assure you that it was mindblowing. I might have to check out Mad Bull 34 now.
It was a blast watching that because before then I knew only cursory things about Prince of Tennis. I didn’t expect anything that ridiculous!
Project ICE though, was mindnumbing boring and bad. I guess it’s licensed due to ties with a certain 48 member idol group…
I hadn’t really thought of that. Not really sure how popular they are over here, since I don’t follow that scene at all, but I could see that marketing angle being pursued.
If it wasn’t for shit like this, I wouldn’t give a damn about anime. I’ll take Vampire Wars or California Crisis over Madoka or some Ghibli movie or whatever else any day.
Many of these do make anime quite a bit more fun.
Watch the first episode of Charger Girl Juuden-chan. Thank me (read: hunt me down with a spork) later.
I’ll see what I can do! (Though I really need to get back to putting a dent into my not-terribad anime pile, haha. Too many good shows I’ve been putting off for too long!)
TENNIS KILLED THE DINOSAURS
And nuclear missiles brought them back.
I remember that back in high school, the anime club had a tradition (which they dropped pretty quickly after the seniors left, unfortunately) of watching this OVA called Tattoon Master. I dunno if it’s bad enough to occupy a place on this list, but I remember it being pretty terrible and having a hilariously bad dub as well.
Now at college my friends and I randomly blurt out “I must make sense of my convoluted situation!” I think we’ve got it bad.
(Also, note: randomly came across Vampire Wars in the DVD cabinet of a pretty great hotel on the south side of Jamaica. I was pretty surprised, but unfortunately was unable to watch it because a) didn’t have time and b)I was there with the rest of my family. Still though–space vampires. Envious.)
I will certainly keep that in mind!
And, wow, that’s kind of awesome, haha. I remember seeing a while back that Vampire Wars was on Netflix Instant — don’t know if it’s still on there, but that might be a way to see it.
Quick Top 5 Terribad experiences:
5) Mad Bull 34
Spanning two weeks, it was quintessential Terribad. The accents, the misogyny, the bloodspray, the hilarity. That I actually forgot most of the first 3 episodes the first time I saw this is just a testament of how much Mad Bull keeps on topping itself. I’m sure the NYPD has never been more proud.
4) Prince of Tennis
When I first saw this, I knew it was something I wanted to show to other people. When I finally got the chance to show this, I knew Terribad was here to stay.
3) Garzey’s Wing
I’ll never forget the first Terribad. After the first episode, I remember Amelia declared, “Okay, there are no more bad anime.” Dream on, Amelia. Dream on.
2) Kenya Boy
As the keeper of the Terribad Vault, I already had seen roughly half of the shows we’ve watched up to this point, so things rarely surprise me. Kenya Boy blew my fucking mind. The exhilaration of discovery, the sheer joy of sharing the experience with friends; Anime never seemed so vast and full of potential as it did that night.
1) Apocalypse Zero
Simply put, a vivid reminder that, yes, some anime is too bad even for Terribad.
Btw, did you see Shinesman? It was accidentally the sole “good” thing we ever saw.
Wish I could have been there for the top three, particularly Kenya Boy. I was crushed when my vacation day for that day wasn’t approved. :(
Haven’t watched Shinesman yet — so you all didn’t skip it? Who knows when I’ll see it … it would certainly be out of place in this group, from the sound of it, haha.
You’ve seen some shit.
I’ve seen a shit ton of shit!
You my friend have outdone yourself. Most epic post you’ve ever done, I will enjoy this post for a long time.
It really make me sad though that I never get to join you guys for this sh*t. It sounds like a lot of fun.
The best part is that I will continue updating it as I watch what the terribad folks watch!
Brilliant post! I salute you for watching so much of this on your own!
Seeing it all listed out like this makes me truly appreciate how much crap we’ve watched in that group – and I wouldn’t change it for the world, some things just require group support to sit through (and without Terribad I’d have never watched some of my awesome Manga Ent. DVDs!)
Memorable events for me have to be Legend of Duo (first Terribad session I ever joined), Kenya Boy (blew me away with how utterly inexplicable it was), Mad Bull 34 (just wow – that dub!), Love, Love? (half the group ragequit midway – new rule, no more paedobait) and the 2nd Garzy’s Wing watch (I was actually crying with laughter during that 1st episode – could not breathe, god love the group’s ears from my cackling).
Yeah, the thing that really struck me while writing this is the sheer amount of garbage we’ve seen. I counted everything out beforehand, and there still ended up being more than I expected. It’s kind of ridiculous.
Awesome to see Kenya Boy is #1. I am so glad I decided to type Africa Anime into a search, just to see what would come up.
Indeed! I am very glad that you reviewed Kenya Boy, and that Kylaran pushed me to see Kenya Boy after reading your review and watching it. Whenever people ask where I found it, I make sure to credit you! :)
Oh you don’t have to do that! I just think it’s hilarious how far it’s spreading.
I think you’re missing Idol Fight Suchie-Pai 2 (there is no 1).
And Golden Wings, but you’d probably like to see LotGH proper first before tarnishing your image of it.
Oh yeah, that’s right. Totally forgot about that. Yeah, I think I’ll leave that off until I finally (someday) finish LoGH.
I’ll make sure it ends up on the next batch of crap with which I update this post.
Hanappe Bazooka is a Nagai/Koike joint. Koike as in Lone Wolf and Cub and Mad Bull, Kazuo Koike. It’s something that Go Nagai actually hated when it was finished because it depicted rape in anything but a bad light.
Just letting you know.
I actually learned that a bit after first publishing this post but have been too lazy to correct it. But thank you all the same!
I guess I better check these out for my own blog. Sure is a lot of these though. It’s going to take a while to get through all of them, even if I have already seen some of them.
I’d say everything through The Golden Laws is immensely entertaining. The stuff after that depends on how much you can stomach what is wrong with them.
Super relieved not to see any series I enjoyed, but admittedly a few I watched, on this list.
Sorry if my English is confusing, it’s not my first language.
.
.
.
Okay, you caught me, it is my first language, I’m just really tired and generally not very good at it in the first place.
lol
Hey, if I were you, I wouldn’t be ashamed to see any series I enjoy end up on here. Well, the ones at the top, anyway. If you reveal that you like Eiken, though, then the shame will be cranked up to 11!
BAOH HAS A LASER CANNON
I’ve only seen a tiny portion of the things on this list, but that Odin credits theme is addicting, quite possibly the best thing in this whole list.
It IS awesome. I legit have that song on my mp3 player.
I guess all of our warnings couldn’t prepare you for the awfulness that is One. We have truly failed. :(
Capricorn is only notable for a finale that pretty much apes DYRL’s almost shot for shot.
Oh god, I was so bored of it by that point that I didn’t even make note of that.
One Trackback
[...] The Time Machine in 1895. The trend in manga began with Go Nagai’s Violence Jack (that of the infamously bad OVAs), which set its story in a Kanto region that has been devastated by an earthquake and a volcano. [...]