11. Mars of Destruction
What is it?: Monsters called “Ancients” are popping up all over Tokyo, and a crack group of teenage fighters must destroy them. Then there’s a shocking twist.
What?!: And when you decapitate people, blood flows out of their necks like steam escaping a pipe.
It turns out it’s man: Yes.
Mars of Destruction is . . . something. Bless the creators for wanting to tell this story with all their heart, but it makes Ed Wood look like Martin Scorsese. There’s so much story woefully crammed into 19 minutes that even early ’90s OVAs are like, “WHOA SHIT, SON, SLOW DOWN.” There’s absolutely no reason to care, and that’s why I care so much. The creators hope beyond hope that the simple existence of this story is enough to get people to buy into it, and doggone it, I can’t shit on such earnestness.
12. BAOH
What is it?: Ikuro is a young man who is captured by an evil organization. Because this organization is Evil, they implant a parasite into Ikuro’s brain that transforms him into one of those Avatar creatures a hulking blue beast when he’s in trouble. He’s freed by a young girl who is also a psychic, and the two go on the run together.
What?!: Also anything and everything explodes. Especially dogs. If you are a dog, BAOH despises you with every fiber of its being.
BAOH: HE HAS A LASER CANNON
BAOH comes from the mind of Hirohiko Araki, most famous for JoJo’s Bizarre Adventure, so right away you know it is going to be crazy. It does not disappoint. From one of the most inexplicable assassination attempts I’ve seen in any medium to cruel experiments on cute, furry pets to a battle between hulking beasts in an underground cave (WITH A LASER CANNON), this OVA has it all. Full points for having a suitably terrible English dub to go along with this nonsense. How else would we know that Baoh is toting a laser cannon? I cannot think of any other way we would receive this vital information.
13. The Laws of Eternity
What is it?: A bland goof, his bland love interest and two other bland goofs invent a spirit phone based on work by Thomas Edison (that he probably stole from Nikola Tesla). Somehow this works, and they are whisked away on a three-day, two-night stay in the luxurious world of Heaven, where they receive a wonderful tour courtesy of a flying Native American spirit. Unfortunately, this is just not good enough for the less important bland goofs, and they are sent to Hell, from where they must be rescued.
What?!: Guess whom they fight in Hell? If you said the Devil, you’re wrong. It’s Nietzsche and Hitler!
The greatest battle in history: Angelic mecha vs. Hellephant commanded by Hitler.
The Laws of Eternity is the most Happy Sciencey of the Happy Science movies I have seen (the others are to come shortly). It has the requisite beyond strange set-up, loads of dull talking, and then out of nowhere it smacks the viewer with some insane scenario that likely came about because the creators were bored. Nobody could ever be drawn to the loving embrace of Happy Science via the ham-handed, clumsily moralistic writing their movies consistently employ. On the other hand, seeing Hitler stomp around angrily because an angel mecha beat the shit out of his Hellephant has made me want to join a cult more than ever before. Maybe these cultists are on to something.
14. California Crisis
What is it?: A dumb slacker and his dumb slacker girlfriend come across a magic alien MacGuffin and lead the government and military in a chase through California. Along the way they stop at a bar for a truly inexplicable scene. Oh, and the ending takes a self-aware shit on everything that happens.
What?!: And everything looks like Roy Lichtenstein drew it!
Giving the finger to copyright: Yeah, eat that shit, Chrysler! California Crisis ain’t afraid of you!
California Crisis is fucking dumb as hell, knows it and revels in it. The whole thing is a vapid production, but it’s vapid in a way that’s fun and works. And I also love that the creators know that nobody is going to give a shit about its stupid lead characters, so it provides an ending that essentially says, “Well, we had fun making this, but it’s DRINKING TIME!!!!!” Best anticlimax ever.
15. Dracula: Sovereign of the Damned
What is it?: Dracula cockblocks Satan by stealing a sacrifice during a ceremony meant to appease the dark lord. Then Dracula has a kid who turns into Aquaman and must kill Dracula. With his High Beams of the Lord.
What?!: Also, fat Stan Lee is a wheelchair-riding vampire hunter.
Where do vampires go when they want to have fun?: The local disco.
Dracula: Sovereign of the Damned is a Toei-Marvel joint that haphazardly adapts a comic series into a movie. In it, Dracula is a bumbling fool who cannot catch a break; he just wants to settle down with his new human wife and bang out a few babies, that’s all. Then God’s gotta be like, “Hey, Son of Dracula, kill that motherfucker, you hear?” Poor Dracula. So undead. So moe.
16. Rebirth of Buddha
What is it?: Some douchebag who may or may not have something to do with Scientology uses his psychic powers to craft a cult. A teenage girl who wants to be a journalist investigates, and she comes across the Buddha (who is a white guy), and his followers, who aim to use their psychic powers to stop evil once and for all.
What?!: The Buddha has an elephant, and he rides the elephant while standing up.
Happy Science: Yes, masters. Whatever you say, masters.
Rebirth of Buddha is a boring movie for the most part. There’s a lot of dull talking, and the overall plot is a snoozer. But what thrusts it so high up on my list is the sheer craziness it throws out in such a matter-of-fact way and without a single trace of irony. As the Happy Science folks produced this, I imagine them tenting their fingers and counting in their minds the massive amount of followers who would be converted to their cause as a result of this movie.
17. Gyo
What is it?: A chemical weapon makes its way through the small town; this chemical reanimates corpses and causes them to rampage, devouring all in their way. Two teens get caught up in the horror and try to stop it.
What?!: The reanimated corpses — one of which is a shark — also have mechanical legs they use to get around everywhere. And they expel disgusting gas to move.
Circus: There’s a fucked up circus for basically no reason other than to be extremely fucked up.
Gyo was a divisive OVA when it was released. Well, that’s probably being a bit kind. Most people disliked it; then, of course, there were the correct people like myself who enjoyed it. Admittedly, the plot is fucking dumb as shit, and the fart-powered creatures are more weird than scary. But whatever, I enjoy a strong infusion of weirdness every so often, and Gyo definitely scratches that particular itch. It’s entirely worth it for that bizarre circus sequence. I still don’t know what in the living fuck is up with that, but I know I enjoyed it.
18. Battle Royal High School
What is it?: Riki Hyoudo is a high-schooler who likes to fight. But Riki is also the doppelganger of Byoudo, the Master of the Dark Realm, and Riki is possessed by Byoudo, who is tricked by an evil faerie queen into conquering the world. Oh, and faeries have a habit of possessing people and turning them into disgusting, horrible demons.
What?!: This world is populated by demon hunters, space police, gangs, and tsunderes.
Tiger Mask: I’m convinced Riki is one of Japan’s famous Tiger Mask wrestlers.
Oh, Ichiro Itano. You often find yourself directing the craziest shit. And Battle Royal High School is pretty fuckin’ crazy. It makes zero sense, but it’s very entertaining for all the nonsense it chucks at the viewer in the space of an hour. I also approve of it for adding another reference to my argument that faeries are pure evil. Anything that turns people into tentacle monsters can’t be good, right? And again, the English dub is quite entertaining, but more for the fact that it tosses in a ton of stock sounds throughout. I even heard the lightsaber noise from Star Wars!
19. Butt Attack Punisher Girl Gautaman
What is it?: A devout Christian girl, Mari, enters a school that is devoted to all the world’s religions to cultivate future religious leaders. Unfortunately, all is not roses in this school, because a cult, the Black Buddha, rules the school by force. Mari prays to God for help, but Buddha answers her call instead and transforms her into Butt Attack Punisher Girl Gautaman, granting her the power to fight her enemies.
What?!: One of said enemies is a giant person dressed like sumo wrestler wearing a Darth Vader mask.
Evil schools: Late ’80s/early ’90s OVAs sure had a LOT of them. For good reason. School is evil.
Gautaman has a similar charm to Kekko Kamen, which is coming up later on this list. It’s dumb beyond belief and should probably be offensive in some way, shape or form, but it’s so goofy that you’d have to be a big grump to really hate it. There are definitely parts that made me hate myself for watching it (particularly the various and sundry uses for octopi throughout the OVAs), but the incredibly silly love triangle that involves Mari, her best friend and one of the main villains almost makes up for it. It’s kind of dumb and sweet, even if it turns the OVAs WAY too serious at the end.
20. Yu-Gi-Oh!: Pyramid of Light
What is it?: Young Yugi Mutou wields the Millennium Puzzle, an ancient artifact that links him with the spirit of an Egyptian Pharaoh who gives Yugi the ability to cheat and win at children’s card games. The Egyptian god Anubis, who was once defeated by the pharaoh, has concocted a plan over millennia to exact revenge on the pharaoh by defeating him in a children’s card game. Seto Kaiba is Yugi’s rival and concocts a plan using millions of dollars in technology to simulate a scenario that will ensure him victory in a children’s card game.
What?!: Kaiba also spends millions of dollars on a jet in the shape of the monster in his signature card, the Blue Eyes White Dragon. Hair metal plays while he flies this jet. It is as awesome as it sounds.
4Kids: I wish I were part of the writing crew for this movie. It would be the most amazing job.
I remembered this movie being horrifically boring when I watched it before. I don’t know what I was thinking. There are most definitely boring parts — everything within the Escherscape of the Millennium Puzzle comes to mind immediately. But I feel like the writers are having fun with how seriously the card game is taken in this universe. There’s so much awful wordplay, so many dopey references and so much grandiose plotting and theatrics that I find it impossible to believe the writers weren’t at least somewhat self-aware. Literally nobody over the age of 10 could see Kaiba’s Blue Eyes White Dragon jet and not burst out laughing. This movie is everything great and hilarious about the 4Kids version of the Yu-Gi-Oh anime in a palatable 90-minute space.
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Holy cow! Five pages of this! Will have to finish reading when I get back from work.
I BROUGHT THE BIG GUNS FOR THIS, MY FRIEND
I don’t have the chance to do Terribad much myself either but I do wish you were there more when I do! It is truly the highlight of all anime watching, much as Cosprayers was the highlight of all anime production.
Re: Vampire Wars:
There was one line, when the guy wakes up and swears totally inappropriately but I can’t remember what it was — “WHAT THE ASS??” or something like that that had us rolling. But nothing on par with any of Sleepy’s lines.
Haha, now that you mention it, I remember something similar to that in the movie. Manga UK was really at the top of its game for that dub.
Garzey’s Wing is my favorite anime.
But I can see why you’d put Kenya Boy at #1.
I might just fandub Legend of Duo for you.
and then I noticed five pages. Where’s the Sisters?
Or Shuffle for that matter?
I should have explained it better in the intro, but I included only anime that has been watched in the SCCSAV wing that watches such things. I doubt you’ll see Shuffle! or Sister Princess on here, because they’d never touch them, but I assure you they would be at the bottom. Both lower than Odin, I might add.
Kenya Boy was my first terribad group experience. That somehow makes me very happy; it could have been Apocalypse Zero *shudders*. Still, Garzey’s Wing will always be my champion on this list, if only for the line, “I’m not lying, 12th and 13th century foreigners surround me!”
Also, no Urotsukidoji? Granted, it’s by no means the worst thing here, but it should have some recognition, if only for scaring the shit out of me when I was 15 years old.
I only included stuff that has been watched in the SCCSAV terribad group.
The only one I watched was Itsudatte My Santa!, which only got a ~ out of me. Maybe you’d like it more if you watched it dubbed.
Maybe, but that would also mean watching it again, and I’d rather my penis took an acid bath.
I watched Itsudatte My Santa twice. I maintain that the first episode isn’t dreadful
Thanks for a fantastically entertaining read. The dialogue in Angel Cop, your scorn towards the nested plot flashbacks in Legend of Duo, your moeficiation of Dracula – every step of the way is paved with gold.
Thanks!
Oh wow. That Prince of Tennis clip. The universe has nothing on Tezuka. I’m glad a newer anime has made it to the top 10. I swear the show is just shamlessly cheesy. It embraces shounen exaggeration like nothing else.
I haven’t seen most of this but I definitely enjoyed Garzey’s Wing, Mars of Destruction and of course, Kenya Boy. I’m not sure what to make of those last minutes of the film. But let me assure you that it was mindblowing. I might have to check out Mad Bull 34 now.
It was a blast watching that because before then I knew only cursory things about Prince of Tennis. I didn’t expect anything that ridiculous!
Project ICE though, was mindnumbing boring and bad. I guess it’s licensed due to ties with a certain 48 member idol group…
I hadn’t really thought of that. Not really sure how popular they are over here, since I don’t follow that scene at all, but I could see that marketing angle being pursued.
If it wasn’t for shit like this, I wouldn’t give a damn about anime. I’ll take Vampire Wars or California Crisis over Madoka or some Ghibli movie or whatever else any day.
Many of these do make anime quite a bit more fun.
Watch the first episode of Charger Girl Juuden-chan. Thank me (read: hunt me down with a spork) later.
I’ll see what I can do! (Though I really need to get back to putting a dent into my not-terribad anime pile, haha. Too many good shows I’ve been putting off for too long!)
TENNIS KILLED THE DINOSAURS
And nuclear missiles brought them back.
I remember that back in high school, the anime club had a tradition (which they dropped pretty quickly after the seniors left, unfortunately) of watching this OVA called Tattoon Master. I dunno if it’s bad enough to occupy a place on this list, but I remember it being pretty terrible and having a hilariously bad dub as well.
Now at college my friends and I randomly blurt out “I must make sense of my convoluted situation!” I think we’ve got it bad.
(Also, note: randomly came across Vampire Wars in the DVD cabinet of a pretty great hotel on the south side of Jamaica. I was pretty surprised, but unfortunately was unable to watch it because a) didn’t have time and b)I was there with the rest of my family. Still though–space vampires. Envious.)
I will certainly keep that in mind!
And, wow, that’s kind of awesome, haha. I remember seeing a while back that Vampire Wars was on Netflix Instant — don’t know if it’s still on there, but that might be a way to see it.
Quick Top 5 Terribad experiences:
5) Mad Bull 34
Spanning two weeks, it was quintessential Terribad. The accents, the misogyny, the bloodspray, the hilarity. That I actually forgot most of the first 3 episodes the first time I saw this is just a testament of how much Mad Bull keeps on topping itself. I’m sure the NYPD has never been more proud.
4) Prince of Tennis
When I first saw this, I knew it was something I wanted to show to other people. When I finally got the chance to show this, I knew Terribad was here to stay.
3) Garzey’s Wing
I’ll never forget the first Terribad. After the first episode, I remember Amelia declared, “Okay, there are no more bad anime.” Dream on, Amelia. Dream on.
2) Kenya Boy
As the keeper of the Terribad Vault, I already had seen roughly half of the shows we’ve watched up to this point, so things rarely surprise me. Kenya Boy blew my fucking mind. The exhilaration of discovery, the sheer joy of sharing the experience with friends; Anime never seemed so vast and full of potential as it did that night.
1) Apocalypse Zero
Simply put, a vivid reminder that, yes, some anime is too bad even for Terribad.
Btw, did you see Shinesman? It was accidentally the sole “good” thing we ever saw.
Wish I could have been there for the top three, particularly Kenya Boy. I was crushed when my vacation day for that day wasn’t approved. :(
Haven’t watched Shinesman yet — so you all didn’t skip it? Who knows when I’ll see it … it would certainly be out of place in this group, from the sound of it, haha.
You’ve seen some shit.
I’ve seen a shit ton of shit!
You my friend have outdone yourself. Most epic post you’ve ever done, I will enjoy this post for a long time.
It really make me sad though that I never get to join you guys for this sh*t. It sounds like a lot of fun.
The best part is that I will continue updating it as I watch what the terribad folks watch!
Brilliant post! I salute you for watching so much of this on your own!
Seeing it all listed out like this makes me truly appreciate how much crap we’ve watched in that group – and I wouldn’t change it for the world, some things just require group support to sit through (and without Terribad I’d have never watched some of my awesome Manga Ent. DVDs!)
Memorable events for me have to be Legend of Duo (first Terribad session I ever joined), Kenya Boy (blew me away with how utterly inexplicable it was), Mad Bull 34 (just wow – that dub!), Love, Love? (half the group ragequit midway – new rule, no more paedobait) and the 2nd Garzy’s Wing watch (I was actually crying with laughter during that 1st episode – could not breathe, god love the group’s ears from my cackling).
Yeah, the thing that really struck me while writing this is the sheer amount of garbage we’ve seen. I counted everything out beforehand, and there still ended up being more than I expected. It’s kind of ridiculous.
Awesome to see Kenya Boy is #1. I am so glad I decided to type Africa Anime into a search, just to see what would come up.
Indeed! I am very glad that you reviewed Kenya Boy, and that Kylaran pushed me to see Kenya Boy after reading your review and watching it. Whenever people ask where I found it, I make sure to credit you! :)
Oh you don’t have to do that! I just think it’s hilarious how far it’s spreading.
I think you’re missing Idol Fight Suchie-Pai 2 (there is no 1).
And Golden Wings, but you’d probably like to see LotGH proper first before tarnishing your image of it.
Oh yeah, that’s right. Totally forgot about that. Yeah, I think I’ll leave that off until I finally (someday) finish LoGH.
I’ll make sure it ends up on the next batch of crap with which I update this post.
Hanappe Bazooka is a Nagai/Koike joint. Koike as in Lone Wolf and Cub and Mad Bull, Kazuo Koike. It’s something that Go Nagai actually hated when it was finished because it depicted rape in anything but a bad light.
Just letting you know.
I actually learned that a bit after first publishing this post but have been too lazy to correct it. But thank you all the same!
I guess I better check these out for my own blog. Sure is a lot of these though. It’s going to take a while to get through all of them, even if I have already seen some of them.
I’d say everything through The Golden Laws is immensely entertaining. The stuff after that depends on how much you can stomach what is wrong with them.
Super relieved not to see any series I enjoyed, but admittedly a few I watched, on this list.
Sorry if my English is confusing, it’s not my first language.
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Okay, you caught me, it is my first language, I’m just really tired and generally not very good at it in the first place.
lol
Hey, if I were you, I wouldn’t be ashamed to see any series I enjoy end up on here. Well, the ones at the top, anyway. If you reveal that you like Eiken, though, then the shame will be cranked up to 11!
BAOH HAS A LASER CANNON
I’ve only seen a tiny portion of the things on this list, but that Odin credits theme is addicting, quite possibly the best thing in this whole list.
It IS awesome. I legit have that song on my mp3 player.
I guess all of our warnings couldn’t prepare you for the awfulness that is One. We have truly failed. :(
Capricorn is only notable for a finale that pretty much apes DYRL’s almost shot for shot.
Oh god, I was so bored of it by that point that I didn’t even make note of that.
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