He might have been asking for something else when he requested a “fisting.”
Once upon a time, there was a woman who came from the heavens above.
“Lo,” this all-powerful goddess said to her minions. “I decree that you shall each watch an episode of the second season of Horizon on the Middle of Nowhere and write about it!”
“But what if we have not seen this series?” her subjects inquired.
“Fear not!” she said. “Prior experience with the show is meaningless! Even those who follow it know not what is going on! I ask only that you watch no other episode of the series other than that which you have been assigned!”
So it shall be written, so it shall be done.
Friends, Romans, countrymen, lend me your eyes! I am the flag bearer for the third episode of this most wondrous of projects, and the writer with the least experience yet with the series. While the bloggers who proceeded me had seen at least one episode of the first season, I have watched not a single second of it, nor do I even know the concept of the series! And, after this episode, I still don’t know.
But, dear friends, I believe one of the hallmarks of great storytelling is contextual clues — give the viewers enough to go on and they will be able to infer everything for themselves. If Horizon is a great story (and why wouldn’t it be if it has an entire project such as this behind it?), then an ignorant fool such as myself should be able to figure it out! Let’s go!
Traditionally, filmmakers use an off-angle shot — also known as the “dutch angle” — to express the unease of characters in a certain moment or environment. It’s a hallmark of German Expressionism, which produced films such as M (directed by Fritz Lang), The Cabinet of Dr. Caligari (Robert Wiene), Nosferatu (F.W. Murnau) and so on, and those heavily influenced the film noir movement of the World War II and postwar periods. Obviously such an influence wouldn’t slip past this series, but it takes it to the next level — a full 90 degree angle! What does this mean? Well, the context of the conversation is the arrival of food supplies and the throwing of a party. There is clear unease: in which direction should the party go? Yakiniku barbeque is brought up, but there is such hesitation behind the suggestion, and the awkward angle obviously reflects that burden.
Oh, and there might also be some sort of weird gravity thing going on, I don’t know. Who cares about that shit?
Moving on, we have dick punching. It’s straightforward: naked dude wants some giant honkers, but instead of that, he gets punched full force in the cock, and it’s hilarious, obviously. I mean, who hasn’t wanted to punch a man’s dangly bits at least once? Don’t you just despise the way it swings there, so smug and confident in its ultimate purpose? What an arrogant organ. Makes me want to punch my own dick. You go, Horizon!
Next is the part of the episode that concerns these two fellows. Apparently the person on the left is far more established than the person on the right. I know neither, however, so allow me to speculate on their identities! Tenzo (if that is your real name!) looks like Strider Hiryu if he stole Terry Bogard‘s hat and turned it into a mascot character. Given this information, I can assume only that Tenzo traveled back in time from a future world where ninja were cops and mascot characters were their backsassing partners who don’t play by the rules. Tenzo, whose nickname was “Strider” when he was on the force, is a week away from retirement even though he is in a foreign land.
Unfortunately, he didn’t see the plot twist coming — he’s confronted by the Strider of this world, except this one takes after a different Strider, except with magical powers. But that’s not actually the plot twist despite the intentionally leading nature of this paragraph’s opening sentence. The actual plot twist comes as the pair of Striders do battle, because, after all, There Can Be Only One. They go to a field of swords to pick just the right one for battle. A perfect metaphor for what is about to occur: surrounded by weapons but all are dull and unclean. They must be brutally polished, up and down, up and down, for their purity to shine through.
And then the twist . . . other!Strider is a woman! Dun dun dunnnnnnn. But not just any woman, mind: her supernatural powers mark her as the spiritual manifestation of real!Strider’s femininity! To be a true Man, Strider must destroy Woman. Perhaps the best solution would be dick punching, but no, floating AIM allows that only once per episode. The eternal battle betwixt Male and Female will have to wait until next time to be decided. He has hidden eyes, but she has large hoo-has. Nobody has the advantage in this battle.
This lady, I gather, has mechanical arms. Because this is the 17th century, but also a futuristic version of the 17th century, I imagine she lost her arms in a tragic threshing accident because she tripped while carrying some wheat, and everyone thought it was adorable. That desire to take this poor lass into my arms as blood gushes from where hers formerly were, that need to protect that fills my spirit; that, my friends, is moe. Anyway, she was put to the operating table — made of wood, of course, because that was the style of the day — and mechanical arms were grafted onto her, adding +1 to her better stat, +3 to her faster stat and +2 to her stronger stat.
But that was not all! The doctors decided that she did not have enough . . . girth . . . out front and decided to work on that, too. Unfortunately, plastic is not yet a Thing in this universe, so those became mechanical as well. You may think it barbaric and inhumane to mechanize the mammaries without permission. And, actually, it is. What the fuck were these assholes thinking? You just don’t do that sort of thing! But perhaps I should not judge since it is a different culture and all. I think. I can’t tell any of these people apart, actually.
Anyway, the point of this segment is boobs.
The final part of the episode introduces a group of new (to me) English folk. First off is Ben Jonson, who I suppose is like the author but is more like the Olympic athlete, making him Canadian rather than English. Then again, at this time Canada was being colonized by the French and English, yes? You win this time, Horizon. These steroids are for you, England. Next is F. Walsingham, who has puppet strings. A metaphor for being a puppet of the state, perhaps? Impressive. Most impressive.
Then there is Charles Howard, who immediately throws himself onto the ground, prostrate, to get the upper hand in the dull, lifeless negotiations to come. False humility is the key to any bargaining. Unfortunately, England does not appear to be in a position of power because they have to throw a school festival to get shit without pissing off some other group of assholes. The power of the school festival is strong indeed. I remember listening raptly in my high school U.S. History class as our teacher regaled us with tales of how Harriet Tubman used school festivals to mask the presence of the Underground Railroad, and how Frederick Douglass delivered his fiery speeches at the podium condemning institutionalized slavery before announcing which class had the best haunted house cosplay maid cafe.
What follows is a deadly game of back and forth determining how much preparation and festival time will be allotted, which will decide how much food and other goods will be given out. Maybe. When did school festivals get so political? In my day, we expected underage maids selling us overpriced, store bought noodles, and god damn it, we liked it! We loved it! But the ivory tower elitists wish to use it as cover to smuggle meat to the black market. How dare they so brazenly politicize such a beautiful institution. I knew this activist student council would be the ruin of everything as soon as they were elected. Don’t ask me how I knew when I’ve never seen a single episode of this series before and have no clue what is going on, but I know. Oh, I know.
Eventually Japan (this is Japan, right? It’s anime, so I assume Japan) wins because they are the most humble, and because white people are stupid. The natural laws of the world prove correct once more.
There we have it. The final world on episode the third of Horizon. I look forward to all comments telling me how correct I am.