You see that sudoku? That incredibly difficult puzzle that took the creator the entire day to solve? The guy who is the president of the fucking puzzle club in school, who is so into his puzzles that he probably has Professor Layton tattooed on his bollocks, took the entire day to solve due to its incredible difficulty?
Boom, done. 9 Minutes 38 Seconds. Plus I didn’t have the luxury of a pencil to scribble possible answers in the little corners and had to clumsily doodle using the photoshop paintbrush. That clearly added, like, 9 minutes of fiddling about with the mouse. I would have had that Sudoku completed faster than Kaito did. I would own these fuckers in their puzzle games. They’re probably still trying to work out how to get through the 8th Test Chamber in the first Portal game, the pussies.
In fact, I could be the main character instead of Kaito. I’d be much better main character material, mainly because I’m not such a stuck up prick the entire time (only most of the time). I promise I wouldn’t lounge across every shot, slouched like the heavy burden of puzzle genius was weighing me down. I would save the single solitary female character from the parasite growing on the back of her head. I would give the audience enough time to process the puzzles that are actually being presented so that the reveal that the maze moves doesn’t feel like a total ass-pull out of nowhere.
Mind you, there are a few things I’m lacking as a potential main character. Access to the script for one, so I won’t be able to read ahead and know the solution to every mystery before it appears. Neither is my hair anywhere near spiky enough to be a hot blooded shounen lead, nor do I have the Goggles of Complete Uselessness in my inventory. Neither do I have the stupidity to walk into elaborate death traps instead of burrowing through the sides Minecraft style, or calling the police, or ignoring the bloody thing altogether because it’s not doing anything.
Maybe one of you can be the main character instead. Go on, take that Sudoku and beat my time. Then grab several buckets of hair gel, slouch your back like you’ve got rickets, and then you can become the protagonist of Phi Brain!