My Name Is Shinmaru, and I Like to Drive Carts

Posted in Site News
Totally me.

Hello, Prospective Readers,

My name is Shinmaru. Perhaps you have heard of me. I made it to the group of 64 in the prestigious Japanese Animation Web Loggers Tournament, so clearly this means I am an Important Person. I ran UNMEI KAIHEN for nearly three years, but both the site and I know it is time to move on. No hard feelings. I just need something more from my blogging relationship; something greater, more satisfying.

And so I hope to enter into everlasting love with The Cart Driver, and with you.

“Wait, slow down!” you might say. “This is moving a bit fast for me!”

A fair point. Perhaps you wish to know more about me before we resume our destined, eternal romance. As you wish.

Name: Shinmaru
a/s/l: 26/manly man who only does manly things/my parent’s basement
Relationship status: Single ;D ;D ;D
Interested in: You.
Ethnicity: Weeaboo.
Height: Doesn’t matter. I am always sitting or laying down, because I’m a lazy fuck.
Weight: Weeaboo.
Religion: Moe.

I like watching long walks in beach episodes; thick censorship fog in hot springs episodes; fireworks and fishing in summer festival episodes; and haunted houses, maid cafes, concerts, plays and pro wrestling in school festival episodes. My dream is to one day see all of these hallowed, sacred anime institutions in one episode. It will be the greatest episode in Japanese animation industry. In fact, afterward every studio will shut down out of artistic frustration.

My ideal anime experience involves cute girls doing cute things and then having their emotions ground to a pulp. I feed off their tears; they give me powers beyond comprehension. I am invincible. I will live forever. I like to store all the tears in the pillows I buy from Real Japanese Websites. Maybe one day I will share them with you. Maybe. The river of our romance does not yet run as deep as the tears I lap up, my love.

Why do I watch anime? It is all that is real. It is a world of majestic fantasy and clear-eyed wonder in the form of school uniforms. Such variety! Such color! Such vigor! When I went to school, there was but a single type of uniform. If only I had gone to school in an anime. But now I can go to school in anime forever.

That is who I am. I am anime. Anime is me. We are anime. Anime are we.

I hope you love me because I love you.

Published by Scamp

91 thoughts on “My Name Is Shinmaru, and I Like to Drive Carts”

  1. A manly man who does only manly things!
    …From his parents basement!
    Like feeding off the tears of moeblob girls for superpowers!

    Color me amused.

    Reply

  2. Dear Cleveland, All Of Northeast Ohio and Cleveland Cavaliers Unmei Kaihen Supporters Wherever You May Be Tonight;

    As you now know, our former hero, who wrote in the very blog that he deserted this evening, is no longer a Cleveland Cavalier independent, manly man’s blogger.

    This was announced with a several day, narcissistic, self-promotional build-up culminating with a national TV special random tweet of his “decision” unlike anything ever “witnessed” in the history of blogging and probably the history of circle-jerking social media.

    Clearly, this is bitterly disappointing to all of us.

    The good news is that the readership and the rest of the hard-working, loyal, and driven staff over here at your homeblog Kaihen have not betrayed you nor NEVER will betray you.

    There is so much more to tell you about the events of the recent past and our more than exciting future. Over the next several days and weeks, we will be communicating much of that to you.

    You simply don’t deserve this kind of cowardly betrayal.

    You have given so much and deserve so much more.

    In the meantime, I want to make one statement to you tonight:

    “I PERSONALLY GUARANTEE THAT UNMEI KAIHEN WILL WIN AN ANIBLOG TOURNEY BEFORE THE SELF-TITLED FORMER ‘KING’ WINS ONE”

    Reply

  3. Kadian compared it to Lebron going to the Heat. My mind compared it to that two-faced alien corpse from The Thing. I’m not sure which is more horrific. Either way, I think a flamethrower is in order.

    Reply

  4. So The Cart Driver has basically become the Square-Enix of the anisphere… just with terribad replacing the shitty rpg’s.

    Reply

      1. Oh dear lord. We’re doomed. There is a reason why inmates of a mental hospital aren’t allowed to help each other.

  14. Hmmm a person who calls himself as a “Mainly man” Sounds like someone I know. Though that has nothing to do about what I’m going to say next.

    Ahhh yes! Another follower of moe! Soon Moe will grow and we will take over the world! Go moe!

    Reply

    1. One day you will have your grandchild on your lap, and you will be able to look that kid in the eye and say, “I remember the day when I read about that man who laps up the tears of cartoon children.”

      Reply

  18. Guest writer? Columnist? Co-writer? What will you be writing about? How does your stuff fit in with the existing stuff on the site? I’m seriously missing something here.

    Reply

      1. Are you British too? Is all the stuff about Moe a joke then, or are you an opposing view to Scamp’s vilification of the genre?
        Inquiring minds want to know.

  20. Finally, edit powaa.
    Shinmaru you forgot to pick a moe avatar.
    btw, wheres Scamp? I prefer his jokes.
    🙂

    Reply

    1. Somewhere in Europe, plotting how next to take over the Internet. Possibly gnashing his teeth as he waits for the next piece of tripe to be crapped out for his consumption this summer season.

      Reply

  24. What is this?! Who are you?! Where is Scamp?! I don’t like new things. Change is scary. I need a hug.

    Reply

  25. So, even the Cart Driver fell and became a team blog, eh. Well, it was destined to happen.

    At least, I am glad that the new kid is the war veteran “Shinmaru”.

    If Kadian is the host of the terribad safe –the safe with all the terribad– then Shinmaru is the thief that snuck in and emptied out the safe.

    Kadian has yet to be informed of this theft, but the odor being omitted by the large poop Shinmaru left in the safe has aroused his suspicions.

    Anyway, it is good to see you on board Shinmaru, may you forever be manly.

    My only sorrow is the demise of Unmei Kaihen: the last, true Animeblog.

    Reply

  28. I’m surprised to see the Cart Driver become a team blog and sad to see Unmei Kaihen stop updating, but this is a cool development. This place could use some American humor and moe-loving manliness.

    Reply

    2. Did you notice how, at best, there’s only been milk spat? Where are the hordes of fangirls frantically shipping the two of you together? What the hell Scamp, I thought you were on top of this shiz. I demand to know where the slashfiction is!

      Reply

      1. I even referred to myself as “the Kallen to Scamp’s Lelouch” elsewhere. If that isn’t asking for slashfics, I don’t know what is!

      2. You’d have to be the Suzaku or, heaven forbid, Rollo to his Lelouch. Kallen was eternally friend zoned.

  31. Tried posting ascii ring art, guess this will have to do [ADMIN EDIT] apparently the owner of the website you linked this lovely picture of a ring to was highly angered by being linked to and has asked to have it taken down. God only knows why Too soon?

    Reply

  33. I avoid Twitter & google reader for one day and look what happens……The Cart Driver turns into a team blog.

    I feel like I am late to the party ;A;

    Reply

  35. Looking forward to reading your wonderful posts again, just now on a different blog. Wishing you the best of luck on this move!

    Reply

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