91 CommentsSite News / By Shinmaru /

My Name Is Shinmaru, and I Like to Drive Carts

Totally me.

Hello, Prospective Readers,

My name is Shinmaru. Perhaps you have heard of me. I made it to the group of 64 in the prestigious Japanese Animation Web Loggers Tournament, so clearly this means I am an Important Person. I ran UNMEI KAIHEN for nearly three years, but both the site and I know it is time to move on. No hard feelings. I just need something more from my blogging relationship; something greater, more satisfying.

And so I hope to enter into everlasting love with The Cart Driver, and with you.

“Wait, slow down!” you might say. “This is moving a bit fast for me!”

A fair point. Perhaps you wish to know more about me before we resume our destined, eternal romance. As you wish.

Name: Shinmaru
a/s/l: 26/manly man who only does manly things/my parent’s basement
Relationship status: Single ;D ;D ;D
Interested in: You.
Ethnicity: Weeaboo.
Height: Doesn’t matter. I am always sitting or laying down, because I’m a lazy fuck.
Weight: Weeaboo.
Religion: Moe.

I like watching long walks in beach episodes; thick censorship fog in hot springs episodes; fireworks and fishing in summer festival episodes; and haunted houses, maid cafes, concerts, plays and pro wrestling in school festival episodes. My dream is to one day see all of these hallowed, sacred anime institutions in one episode. It will be the greatest episode in Japanese animation industry. In fact, afterward every studio will shut down out of artistic frustration.

My ideal anime experience involves cute girls doing cute things and then having their emotions ground to a pulp. I feed off their tears; they give me powers beyond comprehension. I am invincible. I will live forever. I like to store all the tears in the pillows I buy from Real Japanese Websites. Maybe one day I will share them with you. Maybe. The river of our romance does not yet run as deep as the tears I lap up, my love.

Why do I watch anime? It is all that is real. It is a world of majestic fantasy and clear-eyed wonder in the form of school uniforms. Such variety! Such color! Such vigor! When I went to school, there was but a single type of uniform. If only I had gone to school in an anime. But now I can go to school in anime forever.

That is who I am. I am anime. Anime is me. We are anime. Anime are we.

I hope you love me because I love you.

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91 Comments

  1. Kioku from Laptop
    Posted June 28, 2012 at 4:12 pm | Permalink

    A manly man who does only manly things!
    …From his parents basement!
    Like feeding off the tears of moeblob girls for superpowers!

    Color me amused.

    • Posted June 28, 2012 at 4:22 pm | Permalink

      Scamp hires only the manliest people to serve at his beck and call. He’s kind of weird like that.

  2. Posted June 28, 2012 at 4:15 pm | Permalink

    Dear Cleveland, All Of Northeast Ohio and Cleveland Cavaliers Unmei Kaihen Supporters Wherever You May Be Tonight;

    As you now know, our former hero, who wrote in the very blog that he deserted this evening, is no longer a Cleveland Cavalier independent, manly man’s blogger.

    This was announced with a several day, narcissistic, self-promotional build-up culminating with a national TV special random tweet of his “decision” unlike anything ever “witnessed” in the history of blogging and probably the history of circle-jerking social media.

    Clearly, this is bitterly disappointing to all of us.

    The good news is that the readership and the rest of the hard-working, loyal, and driven staff over here at your homeblog Kaihen have not betrayed you nor NEVER will betray you.

    There is so much more to tell you about the events of the recent past and our more than exciting future. Over the next several days and weeks, we will be communicating much of that to you.

    You simply don’t deserve this kind of cowardly betrayal.

    You have given so much and deserve so much more.

    In the meantime, I want to make one statement to you tonight:

    “I PERSONALLY GUARANTEE THAT UNMEI KAIHEN WILL WIN AN ANIBLOG TOURNEY BEFORE THE SELF-TITLED FORMER ‘KING’ WINS ONE”

  3. Posted June 28, 2012 at 4:27 pm | Permalink

    Kadian compared it to Lebron going to the Heat. My mind compared it to that two-faced alien corpse from The Thing. I’m not sure which is more horrific. Either way, I think a flamethrower is in order.

    • Posted June 28, 2012 at 4:42 pm | Permalink

      One of our heads will detach and will grow anew. You’ll see! You’ll all see!!

  4. fathomlessblue
    Posted June 28, 2012 at 4:28 pm | Permalink

    So The Cart Driver has basically become the Square-Enix of the anisphere… just with terribad replacing the shitty rpg’s.

    • Posted June 28, 2012 at 4:43 pm | Permalink

      Popee is better than every Final Fantasy combined.

  5. Posted June 28, 2012 at 4:30 pm | Permalink

    >first post isn’t about Rio – Rainbow Gate

    Why do you even blog?

  6. Posted June 28, 2012 at 4:30 pm | Permalink

    So is mefloraine Chris Bosh?

    • Posted June 28, 2012 at 4:44 pm | Permalink

      I have never seen a picture of her, so I choose to believe she has dreadlocks that make her look like Predator. So yes.

  7. Anonymous
    Posted June 28, 2012 at 4:43 pm | Permalink

    I don’t get it.

    • Posted June 28, 2012 at 4:44 pm | Permalink

      Is there anything to get?

    • Flawfinder
      Posted June 28, 2012 at 4:46 pm | Permalink

      Shinmaru has gone insane and Scamp is trying to help him.

      • Anonymous
        Posted June 28, 2012 at 5:08 pm | Permalink

        Oh dear lord. We’re doomed. There is a reason why inmates of a mental hospital aren’t allowed to help each other.

  8. TheVoid
    Posted June 28, 2012 at 4:48 pm | Permalink

    I didn’t realize you liked. So that’s why you like Hunter x Hunter besides the nen powers.

  9. Posted June 28, 2012 at 5:10 pm | Permalink

    Inspired by these /Heated/ events, I shall write the greatest blogging/sports metrics novel ever, and name it Terriball.

    • Posted June 28, 2012 at 5:34 pm | Permalink

      History’s greatest book.

    • Posted June 29, 2012 at 6:45 pm | Permalink

      I volunteer for the Brad Pitt role in the inevitable cinematic terridaptation.

  10. Blargh
    Posted June 28, 2012 at 5:30 pm | Permalink

    Shouldn’t this place be “The Cart Drivers” now?

  11. Posted June 28, 2012 at 5:43 pm | Permalink

    I still believe this is some kind of joke.

    • Posted June 28, 2012 at 5:53 pm | Permalink

      What kinds of cruel, heartless, handsome bastards do you take us for?

      • Posted June 29, 2012 at 12:18 am | Permalink

        I mean… Hunter x Hunter on Cart Driver? Madness I say!

        PS. <3

  12. Posted June 28, 2012 at 7:02 pm | Permalink

    Manly man who does manly things
    Religion is moe
    Toradora reference

    I think I’m going to like you Mr. Shinmaru

  13. gw_kimmy
    Posted June 28, 2012 at 7:27 pm | Permalink

    *spits out milk*

  14. overlyanimated
    Posted June 28, 2012 at 8:01 pm | Permalink

    Hmmm a person who calls himself as a “Mainly man” Sounds like someone I know. Though that has nothing to do about what I’m going to say next.

    Ahhh yes! Another follower of moe! Soon Moe will grow and we will take over the world! Go moe!

  15. luffyluffy
    Posted June 28, 2012 at 8:15 pm | Permalink

    well ok

    • Posted June 28, 2012 at 8:24 pm | Permalink

      I feel the enthusiasm.

      • luffyluffy
        Posted June 28, 2012 at 11:56 pm | Permalink

        blog some mecha or get out

      • Posted June 28, 2012 at 11:58 pm | Permalink

        I suppose I have no choice.

      • luffyluffy
        Posted June 29, 2012 at 3:18 am | Permalink

        omg yay

  16. dolan
    Posted June 28, 2012 at 8:36 pm | Permalink

    at last I understand, what it is to see history in the making

    • Posted June 28, 2012 at 8:45 pm | Permalink

      One day you will have your grandchild on your lap, and you will be able to look that kid in the eye and say, “I remember the day when I read about that man who laps up the tears of cartoon children.”

  17. Posted June 28, 2012 at 11:15 pm | Permalink

    Great, The Cart Driver is becoming Oi, Hayaku! beta.

    • Posted June 28, 2012 at 11:59 pm | Permalink

      Except none of us is in danger of going blind.

      … Or ARE we … ?

    • Taka
      Posted June 29, 2012 at 12:19 am | Permalink

      Fun fact: Oi Hayaku is now run by the Jews. They want to sell us intercom systems.

  18. Nebulous
    Posted June 29, 2012 at 12:16 am | Permalink

    Guest writer? Columnist? Co-writer? What will you be writing about? How does your stuff fit in with the existing stuff on the site? I’m seriously missing something here.

    • Posted June 29, 2012 at 12:22 am | Permalink

      No. No. Yes. Anime. Well.

      • Nebulous
        Posted June 29, 2012 at 12:33 am | Permalink

        Are you British too? Is all the stuff about Moe a joke then, or are you an opposing view to Scamp’s vilification of the genre?
        Inquiring minds want to know.

      • Posted June 29, 2012 at 12:35 am | Permalink

        I am American! I will leave it to you thoughtful commenters to determine whether I am joking about the moe moe kyun kyun.

      • Posted June 29, 2012 at 11:41 am | Permalink

        But… Scamp isn’t British. *headtilt*

      • fathomlessblue
        Posted June 29, 2012 at 1:11 pm | Permalink

        I know, right! I mean he doesn’t even like Phi Brain!

  19. Posted June 29, 2012 at 12:24 am | Permalink

    :*( ?

  20. hint
    Posted June 29, 2012 at 12:41 am | Permalink

    Finally, edit powaa.
    Shinmaru you forgot to pick a moe avatar.
    btw, wheres Scamp? I prefer his jokes.
    :)

    • Posted June 29, 2012 at 12:43 am | Permalink

      Somewhere in Europe, plotting how next to take over the Internet. Possibly gnashing his teeth as he waits for the next piece of tripe to be crapped out for his consumption this summer season.

  21. langer
    Posted June 29, 2012 at 12:47 am | Permalink

    daily proof of manly manliness is required

    • Posted June 29, 2012 at 2:22 am | Permalink

      I don’t know if I can prove my manliness daily. Sounds like a lot of work. :(

  22. Posted June 29, 2012 at 1:40 am | Permalink

    So I’m going to have to take your blog off of my blogroll? And I just discovered you too. Where did those two years go?

    • Posted June 29, 2012 at 2:25 am | Permalink

      You can keep it on if you like. I did write many super duper awesome wonderful posts, after all.

  23. Anonymous
    Posted June 29, 2012 at 2:10 am | Permalink

    I’m confused and not yet amused.

  24. Redcrimson
    Posted June 29, 2012 at 3:05 am | Permalink

    What is this?! Who are you?! Where is Scamp?! I don’t like new things. Change is scary. I need a hug.

  25. Posted June 29, 2012 at 3:08 am | Permalink

    So, even the Cart Driver fell and became a team blog, eh. Well, it was destined to happen.

    At least, I am glad that the new kid is the war veteran “Shinmaru”.

    If Kadian is the host of the terribad safe –the safe with all the terribad– then Shinmaru is the thief that snuck in and emptied out the safe.

    Kadian has yet to be informed of this theft, but the odor being omitted by the large poop Shinmaru left in the safe has aroused his suspicions.

    Anyway, it is good to see you on board Shinmaru, may you forever be manly.

    My only sorrow is the demise of Unmei Kaihen: the last, true Animeblog.

  26. MAYSUE
    Posted June 29, 2012 at 3:25 am | Permalink

    YOU’RE A FAGGOT.

  27. Posted June 29, 2012 at 4:44 am | Permalink

    I still love you. ;_;

  28. Posted June 29, 2012 at 5:49 am | Permalink

    I’m surprised to see the Cart Driver become a team blog and sad to see Unmei Kaihen stop updating, but this is a cool development. This place could use some American humor and moe-loving manliness.

  29. Scamp
    Posted June 29, 2012 at 8:15 am | Permalink

    Bring back the old facebook

    • fathomlessblue
      Posted June 29, 2012 at 1:13 pm | Permalink

      BRING BACK BUSTED!

    • Anonymous
      Posted June 29, 2012 at 1:41 pm | Permalink

      Did you notice how, at best, there’s only been milk spat? Where are the hordes of fangirls frantically shipping the two of you together? What the hell Scamp, I thought you were on top of this shiz. I demand to know where the slashfiction is!

      • Posted June 29, 2012 at 2:19 pm | Permalink

        I even referred to myself as “the Kallen to Scamp’s Lelouch” elsewhere. If that isn’t asking for slashfics, I don’t know what is!

      • Taka
        Posted June 29, 2012 at 2:42 pm | Permalink

        You’d have to be the Suzaku or, heaven forbid, Rollo to his Lelouch. Kallen was eternally friend zoned.

      • gw_kimmy
        Posted June 29, 2012 at 11:04 pm | Permalink

        *recovers and cleans up milk*

        IM ON IT

  30. Anononono
    Posted June 29, 2012 at 2:20 pm | Permalink

    Huh?

  31. rauc6788
    Posted June 29, 2012 at 3:16 pm | Permalink

    Tried posting ascii ring art, guess this will have to do [ADMIN EDIT] apparently the owner of the website you linked this lovely picture of a ring to was highly angered by being linked to and has asked to have it taken down. God only knows why Too soon?

  32. Posted June 29, 2012 at 7:28 pm | Permalink

    Tsundere comment about how it wasn’t like i enjoyed reading your blog anyways followed by an off beat reference to hanakana

  33. Posted June 29, 2012 at 11:33 pm | Permalink

    I avoid Twitter & google reader for one day and look what happens……The Cart Driver turns into a team blog.

    I feel like I am late to the party ;A;

    • Posted June 30, 2012 at 12:34 am | Permalink

      You’re not the only one shocked. Scamp leaves no hints

    • Posted June 30, 2012 at 8:25 am | Permalink

      The lesson: never leave the Internet.

      • Posted June 30, 2012 at 12:40 pm | Permalink

        I shall take this lesson to heart.

  34. Erif
    Posted June 30, 2012 at 12:57 am | Permalink

    Challenger Approaching!

  35. Avv
    Posted June 30, 2012 at 6:42 am | Permalink

    Looking forward to reading your wonderful posts again, just now on a different blog. Wishing you the best of luck on this move!

  36. Fumoffu!!
    Posted July 1, 2012 at 2:12 pm | Permalink

    Well, guess I’ll start reading this blog now, and maybe I’ll start commenting as well.

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