World Cup starts today! What’s that, it’s being run by a horribly corrupt organisation that tramples over the poorest of societies, banking massive profits that could be used to assist the country it’s being held in as so promised when they bid to hold the competition in the first place? Sorry, I can’t hear you over the sounds of intense hype. I have been devouring preview and hype material at an alarming rate over the past two weeks. I’ve have heard every single possible way one can describe Dennis Bergkamp’s goal versus Argentina in the 1998 quarter final (although none does it as emphatically as the Dutch commentator for the match). Crunchyroll got in on the act by posting a list voted upon by Japanese anime fans of their anime-11 squad. Which is a neat idea, but it consisted of a load of characters from sports anime which I feel shows a distinct lack of imagination. So here’s my own World Cup 11 of anime characters.
For the tactical geniuses amongst you, I’m playing a 4-4-2 diamond. It’s not a formation that’s particularly in vogue at the moment, but neither is playing giant robot pilots on the right wing so we don’t quite stick to conventions here.
Keeper: Jotaro Joestar from Jojo’s Bizarre Adventure
Even his frame alone is enough to practically take up the goals. He has a cap already naturally built into his head so that can block the sun for him. And of course he has lightning quick reflexes and can stop a bullet. OK he maybe cheats by using his stand but so long as the referee isn’t a stand user himself then nobody will catch on. This is why Fifa has to stop being so stubborn and introduce technology to detect fraudulent stand usage, but until they do I might as well abuse the oversight.
Centre backs: Hoozuki from Hoozuki no Reitetsu and Gamagoori from Kill la Kill
The basic rule of centre back pairings is you need one blood and thunder, heart on his shoulder monster that will rush out and block everything. That’s Gamagoori’s role, and very little will get past him. The second should be your more intelligent ball-player who will sweep up the mess behind your more crazed partner. A commanding presence who will patrol the box and keep out everything. That’s Hoozuki’s role. It’s an intimidating duo that I can’t see anything getting behind.
Wing backs: Wilee from Jormungand and Albert 004 Heinrich from Cyborg 009
Cyborg 004 is a piece of German marvellous engineering, and we all know how good the Germans are in the world cup. At the very least he’ll be good at penalties. Plus he has rockets in his knees, which would be a good way of taking out the winger that just sped past him. Meanwhile you also need your wing backs in the modern game to ‘bomb’ on down the wing, hence why I’ve got Wilee…you know…bomb? He was the black dude from Jormungand who was an explosives expert? Oh whatever you guys are useless, I thought it was funny.
Defensive midfielder: Levi from Attack on Titan
What you want from your midfield enforcer is a fucking prick. An absolute asshole of the highest order. One who will happily karate kick a man in the chest and his expression stay cold and emotionless. One who can command respect simply by kicking motherfuckers from here to Rio. So I went with Levi. What he lacks in height he makes up in raw asshole-ism.
Attacking midfielder: Tatsuya from Mahouka
The stone cold heart of the team. He dictates the play, mostly because he is untouchable. Nobody can get near the guy once he gets going and will drift away from tackles with ease. He’s Zidane without the bald spot. If someone insulted his sister I think it is safe to say he will do a little more than headbutt that person. Plus they probably deserved it for being poor and underprivileged. That’s the other good thing about having Tatsuya on our side: He and Sepp Blatter would probably get along pretty swimmingly and you can’t underestimate the value of having Fifa on our side.
Wingers: Suzaku from Code Geass and Seki from Tonari no Seki-kun
Have you seen Suzaku’s speed? The man runs faster than bullets and has a right leg capable of delivering thunderously powerful shots. His bicycle kicks might make Peter Crouch’s attempts look balletic, but they certainly get results. Meanwhile on the other side I’ve gone for a less speedy and more creative player. What you need is some real imagination. The ability to create something out of nothing. That’s why I’ve gone for Seki-kun. Bonus points for his ability to draw other defender’s attention towards him so the rest of the team can do the scoring.
Strikers: Gilgamesh from Fate/Zero and Kazuma from Scryed
You want your strikers to have seemingly endless self-belief. You want them to think that if they somehow didn’t score from their last shot, that was not their fault. It was the world’s own fault for not conspiring to their whims. What I’m basically saying is Gilgamesh is like an even more self-confident Bendtner with more natural ability. As for Kazuma, well having the hand of god seemed to work pretty well for Maradona and Kazuma’s fist would beat even god in a punching match so therefore you can’t go wrong.
Heiwajima Shizuo from Durarara: Questions about his temperament issues.
Mami from Madoka Magica: If the match goes to penalties, you want someone who can keep their head.