22 CommentsHopefully Humorous / By Scamp /

My anime character World Cup 11

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World Cup starts today! What’s that, it’s being run by a horribly corrupt organisation that tramples over the poorest of societies, banking massive profits that could be used to assist the country it’s being held in as so promised when they bid to hold the competition in the first place? Sorry, I can’t hear you over the sounds of intense hype. I have been devouring preview and hype material at an alarming rate over the past two weeks. I’ve have heard every single possible way one can describe Dennis Bergkamp’s goal versus Argentina in the 1998 quarter final (although none does it as emphatically as the Dutch commentator for the match). Crunchyroll got in on the act by posting a list voted upon by Japanese anime fans of their anime-11 squad. Which is a neat idea, but it consisted of a load of characters from sports anime which I feel shows a distinct lack of imagination. So here’s my own World Cup 11 of anime characters.

For the tactical geniuses amongst you, I’m playing a 4-4-2 diamond. It’s not a formation that’s particularly in vogue at the moment, but neither is playing giant robot pilots on the right wing so we don’t quite stick to conventions here.

Keeper: Jotaro Joestar from Jojo’s Bizarre Adventure

JojoEven his frame alone is enough to practically take up the goals. He has a cap already naturally built into his head so that can block the sun for him. And of course he has lightning quick reflexes and can stop a bullet. OK he maybe cheats by using his stand but so long as the referee isn’t a stand user himself then nobody will catch on. This is why Fifa has to stop being so stubborn and introduce technology to detect fraudulent stand usage, but until they do I might as well abuse the oversight.

Centre backs: Hoozuki from Hoozuki no Reitetsu and Gamagoori from Kill la Kill

kill-la-kill-ira-gamagc58driThe basic rule of centre back pairings is you need one blood and thunder, heart on his shoulder monster that will rush out and block everything. That’s Gamagoori’s role, and very little will get past him. The second should be your more intelligent ball-player who will sweep up the mess behind your more crazed partner. A commanding presence who will patrol the box and keep out everything. That’s Hoozuki’s role. It’s an intimidating duo that I can’t see anything getting behind.

Wing backs: Wilee from Jormungand and Albert 004 Heinrich from Cyborg 009

cyborg004Cyborg 004 is a piece of German marvellous engineering, and we all know how good the Germans are in the world cup. At the very least he’ll be good at penalties. Plus he has rockets in his knees, which would be a good way of taking out the winger that just sped past him. Meanwhile you also need your wing backs in the modern game to ‘bomb’ on down the wing, hence why I’ve got Wilee…you know…bomb? He was the black dude from Jormungand who was an explosives expert? Oh whatever you guys are useless, I thought it was funny.

Defensive midfielder: Levi from Attack on Titan

maxresdefaultWhat you want from your midfield enforcer is a fucking prick. An absolute asshole of the highest order. One who will happily karate kick a man in the chest and his expression stay cold and emotionless. One who can command respect simply by kicking motherfuckers from here to Rio. So I went with Levi. What he lacks in height he makes up in raw asshole-ism.

Attacking midfielder: Tatsuya from Mahouka

[HorribleSubs] Mahouka - 06 [480p].mkv_snapshot_18.40_[2014.05.11_12.49.09]The stone cold heart of the team. He dictates the play, mostly because he is untouchable. Nobody can get near the guy once he gets going and will drift away from tackles with ease. He’s Zidane without the bald spot. If someone insulted his sister I think it is safe to say he will do a little more than headbutt that person. Plus they probably deserved it for being poor and underprivileged. That’s the other good thing about having Tatsuya on our side: He and Sepp Blatter would probably get along pretty swimmingly and you can’t underestimate the value of having Fifa on our side.

Wingers: Suzaku from Code Geass and Seki from Tonari no Seki-kun

tumblr_m81wpi2EZm1qb4toho1_500Have you seen Suzaku’s speed? The man runs faster than bullets and has a right leg capable of delivering thunderously powerful shots. His bicycle kicks might make Peter Crouch’s attempts look balletic, but they certainly get results. Meanwhile on the other side I’ve gone for a less speedy and more creative player. What you need is some real imagination. The ability to create something out of nothing. That’s why I’ve gone for Seki-kun. Bonus points for his ability to draw other defender’s attention towards him so the rest of the team can do the scoring.

Strikers: Gilgamesh from Fate/Zero and Kazuma from Scryed

fate_zero_-_06-3You want your strikers to have seemingly endless self-belief. You want them to think that if they somehow didn’t score from their last shot, that was not their fault. It was the world’s own fault for not conspiring to their whims. What I’m basically saying is Gilgamesh is like an even more self-confident Bendtner with more natural ability. As for Kazuma, well having the hand of god seemed to work pretty well for Maradona and Kazuma’s fist would beat even god in a punching match so therefore you can’t go wrong.

Rejected list:

Heiwajima Shizuo from Durarara: Questions about his temperament issues.

Mami from Madoka Magica: If the match goes to penalties, you want someone who can keep their head.

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22 Comments

  1. Gan_HOPE326
    Posted June 12, 2014 at 11:26 am | Permalink

    This is glorious and would be the only thing that would actually make me remotely interested in watching the World Cup. Of course at that point it would be like one of those crappy shows where all that transpires is that the OP main character thrashes everyone around him, but I’d still enjoy the hell out of it.

  2. Amarrez
    Posted June 12, 2014 at 11:46 am | Permalink

    Is football coming home, Scamp?

    • Scamp
      Posted June 12, 2014 at 2:40 pm | Permalink

      Nope. 60 years of hurt is on its way

  3. Posted June 12, 2014 at 1:28 pm | Permalink

    Trying to imagine what an all-female team would be like.

    • Phantom Renegade
      Posted June 12, 2014 at 1:40 pm | Permalink

      Biscuit Krueger takes up Gamagooris position and role.

      • Posted June 12, 2014 at 2:20 pm | Permalink

        Tomoyo Sakagami from Clannad will take up Tatsuya’s.

  4. Posted June 12, 2014 at 1:43 pm | Permalink

    I summon Tokuchi Toua in attack mode, meaning I’ll end up broke as fuck but you will definetely lose the game.

    Oh, wait, soccer, right. This whole Yu-Gi-Oh! thing is overdone anyway. Fine, I’ll go with Haruhi Suzumiya then. What now, Scamp?

    • Scamp
      Posted June 12, 2014 at 2:41 pm | Permalink

      Where would Haruhi play? She’s too selfish to play anywhere other than striker and she sulks if she doesn’t get her way. Your team is weak

      • Posted June 12, 2014 at 8:02 pm | Permalink

        If she doesn’t want to lose, she can’t.

      • Posted June 13, 2014 at 5:57 am | Permalink

        But the bitch got unstable emotion and unpredicted behaviour.
        She will probably leave the match halfway because she’s bored.

  5. arcanes
    Posted June 12, 2014 at 2:03 pm | Permalink

    And I’ve got the coach : Lelouch from Code Geass. If his team doesn’t win with his brilliant strategies, he can always control the referees :)

    • Scamp
      Posted June 12, 2014 at 2:49 pm | Permalink

      In my original draft I had Squealer as manager but Lelouch works too

    • Gan_HOPE326
      Posted June 12, 2014 at 3:38 pm | Permalink

      I see your Lelouche and raise a Light Yagami. I mean, it’s a game where people takes their name WRITTEN ON THEIR SHIRTS.

      “Hey, look at that, our coach is taking notes! Probably thinking up some strategy, uh?”
      “Dunno. But why did the other team’s bomber just fall to the ground writhing in pain?”

      • jherb33
        Posted June 14, 2014 at 3:10 am | Permalink

        bravo. i second and third this.

  6. Shikamaru
    Posted June 12, 2014 at 3:17 pm | Permalink

    I don’t care about sports at all, but now I really want to see Shizuo playing football. Or baseball, NASCAR, chess, hell you can put him anywhere and it would be funny to watch when he loses his temper. Originally I thought that him facing Izaya would be funny, but Shizuo would lose his shit immediately and get disqualified.

  7. Nagisa33
    Posted June 12, 2014 at 5:22 pm | Permalink

    Spinzaku would get red carded too fast. Send in Lulucopter to take his place. He could hover around to get to the ball quickly and avoid unnecessary scuffles at the same time.
    http://fc07.deviantart.net/fs71/f/2010/108/8/9/Lelouch_Copter_by_MoonRevolution.gif

  8. Gunslinger
    Posted June 12, 2014 at 5:23 pm | Permalink

    Brilliant post :)
    Also Rider as the substitue midfielder who’s introduced late into the game to add energy.

  9. Rait
    Posted June 12, 2014 at 7:41 pm | Permalink

    Keeper: Edward Elric. Raises walls if needed.

    Striker: Accelerator. Poor goal keeper.

    • Posted June 13, 2014 at 6:01 am | Permalink

      It depends on the rule now. If you have to cheat discreetly, just like in NGNL, Edward Elric is out of the question. Raising walls would make him disqualified, lol.
      Accelerator is a killer striker, though. Even Kamijou Touma can’t stop his balls.

      • Rait
        Posted June 13, 2014 at 8:45 am | Permalink

        Yeah, although Accelerator’s weakness is that he can’t run very much and lacks stamina. I suppose he would just have to wait for passes.

  10. Mystic
    Posted June 14, 2014 at 4:12 pm | Permalink

    I never thought about Hoozuki or Gamagoori working together like that but it fits so well. That is actually kinda scary.

    Also wont to Scamp for knowing Hoozuki.

  11. strukingfourd
    Posted June 15, 2014 at 6:07 am | Permalink

    Tatsuya lacks the vision and creativity of a real attacking midfielder. He plays in a low tier league like the magic school league where everyone sucks up to him, but I expect a catastrophic flop when he moves to a more competitive club. Agree with Levi’s call up, he is the next Gattuso.

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