Shinmaru was apparently incapable of coming up with anything to say about the latest episode of Muv Luv Alternative Total Eclipse of the Buttocks. The reality is that he was too busy having a self-congratulatory wank. So instead it is I, the great Scamp, to swoop on in and save the day! Except I don’t really have much to say about this episode either. So instead I’ll just talk about the series as a whole.
You see, while I quite like the story to Muv Luv it’s a Preferable Alternative to Poking Myself in the Eye With a Fork, with the race relations and camaraderie, the writing is woeful. It’s actively cringe worthy, to the point that I start groaning in despair as the subs cycle across the bottom of the screen. The anime is based off a light novel which in turn was a spin off from a visual novel, neither mediums exactly renowned for their snappy writing. Assuming the bad writing is inevitable, I’m going to do what the title of this post promises and offer 3 possible alternatives to solve this issue.
1) Become a Musical
Nobody cares about the dialogue in a song. Have you ever looked at what the lyrics to opera songs are? The characters are just repeating themselves over and over again. No wonder people watch opera in Latin or Italian instead. Horrible cliche dialouge in a musical setting actually spins around and becomes funny, because it seems like the creator is in on the joke. They don’t have to be in on the joke, it still should work anyway. In fact, all musical writers may in fact be the worst writers known to man, making even video games look like they have decent writing…well, OK maybe not quite that bad.
2) No Dialogue, Just Music
It’s not like anime hasn’t already set a precedent with Interstella 5555. If anything, I feel Interstella gets by an awful lot on its originality and catchy music rather than actually being a good use of the format. The music and the actions on screen didn’t mesh as well as the music did for something like Redline. Redline probably could have removed all the dialogue and its story would still have gotten across just fine. Interstella gets by though because it was ballsy enough to go the whole way and have no dialogue whatsoever. I’d love to see something else try that, especially a short TV series. You even get the bonus of the fanservice feeling more natural in something as goofy as this format will allow you to be. Getting music as good as Daft Punk may be difficult though, especially since the music currently used by Muv Luv Alternative Total Dance Off is universally terrible. But hey, how hard can it be? Say a few lines into a voice synthesizer, play some funky beats, and hey presto you’ve got everything by Daft Punk ever.
3) Interpretive Dance
I know why nobody has done this up until now. The amount of money required to make dancing in animation must be phenomenal, particularly when it comes to the cost cutting crazy nature of Japanese animation. Even anime that have dancing in like Princess Tutu or Rideback barely show them actually doing the dancing. But with Japan slowly getting the hang of CG animation, now has to be time. The Precure franchise is already doing it in their endings, and those are far and away the best parts of that franchise. The robots in most mecha anime are already fully CG. Battles in anime have rarely been grounded in logic anyway, what with the Itano Circus and everything. Giant robots fighting dramatic mock battles in ballet. Make it happen Japan!