Cars, you are such a bastard, but god damn it, you’re rocking a fabulous mane. Look at that thing! Of all the Pillar Men, he definitely looks the most like an ’80s rocker.
In a way, I have to respect what Cars does in this episode, even as it makes me mad and shake my fist at him. His behavior throughout the series has painted him as a different sort than Wham. Cars has shown consistently that he cares only about acquiring the Red Stone of Aja. Would Wham have conducted a sneak attack on the mansion? Nope. Cars has no qualms about that sort of thing, however. The main tipoff in this episode that he’s planning some bad shit is the flashback with Wham: It’s meant to once again hammer home that Cars is a pragmatist. All his talk about honoring the pride of Wham and ACDC, along with killing his vampiric minions for their insolence, is simply posturing, a feint to draw Lisa Lisa into thinking she’ll get a fair battle by dangling the stone as bait.
Then Cars pulls the string. He’s an utter bastard, but a clever bastard, I’ll give him that much.
You know what makes me maddest about what Cars does, though? It deprives us of an awesome battle between Cars and Lisa Lisa! You know that shit would have rocked, especially since Lisa Lisa’s power makes her more of a melee fighter, and she would have had to come up with some clever tricks to get past Cars’ blades and do some damage. She was totally ready to throw down; even when presented with a weird situation that ran counter to her expectations, she recovered quickly and didn’t succumb to panic. Lisa Lisa was defeated solely because Cars is an asshole. He is also a James Bond villain apparently, what with the death trap he sets up so that he can close in slowly on Joseph while he keeps Lisa Lisa aloft.
Then again, I don’t think a Bond villain ever played another character like a musical instrument.
So, yeah, Cars is definitely the most loathsome Pillar Man, which is why he’s on top. You don’t survive atop a race of superpowerful beings without being ruthless, I suppose. I look forward to Joseph smashing his face in somehow, and I hope a miracle occurs and Lisa Lisa is able to recover enough to also smash Cars’ face in. Stroheim can also join in the face smashing if he likes. Hell, get Speedwagon in there, too! And Smokey. Cars looks kinda white, right? Let Smokey get one up on the white man for once in his life.
Ah, yes, the glorious return of Stroheim. I enjoy how uncomfortable it is to root for a band of Nazis. Stroheim has probably been up to some rather unsavory activities while offscreen, particularly since his new body allows him to be more efficient. You may be cool, Stroheim, but don’t think I’ve forgotten about your extracurricular activities! I also wonder how Speedwagon will be able to explain his association with Nazis once he gets home and starts conducting business again. “No, you see, they were helping my friends battle a horde of godlike beings! You have to believe me!” Speedwagon’s family is going down in history as a clan of Nazi supporters. Such is life.
How could I close out this post without mentioning the fight between Joseph and Wham? A good conclusion to a great battle. Again, clever tricks win the day, although Joseph must either be a hell of an actor or a lucky fool, because he always reacts like everything is going wrong just before it goes right. There’s no denying the results; Joseph’s plot is certainly explosive, eh? *ducks tomatoes* The aftermath is quite great, too. Wham is an interesting fellow — you can tell that he’s powerful, because he’s survived all this time while living according to the precepts of honor. Numerous battlers must have tried to take advantage of that predilection for fair fights during the course of Wham’s life, and yet not one among them was able to defeat Wham before Joseph Joestar.
But, of course, he is worth respecting most of all because he can operate a crossbow with his hair and use it to launch himself so that he can cut vampires through with his horn. This series is so great, you all.