If you’re on the fence on Girls Und Panzer at all, don’t sit in such an uncomfortable fashion any longer. Yes, it may essentially be about girls driving around tanks, but one of the tanks is pink. A pink motherfucking tank, strutting like a peacock, if peacocks ran on treads and could shoot explosive shells at anything within a certain distance. And if that isn’t enough of a reason to watch this year’s contender for “Most Egregious, Unnecessary Use of the German Language in ein Title”, also be aware that it’s about a martial art performed exclusively by women. In tanks. If that doesn’t get your engine revving and your cannon sitting erect at a 40 degree angle ready to launch its payload on unsuspecting individuals, well then clearly this didn’t prompt you to buy a tank like it did me. Thanks, Craigslist!
Because you see, Girls Und Panzer is the answer to life, the sole reason for living. For the ancient Greeks, it was the polis. For many a present-day philosopher subsisting on Top Ramen, it’s the pursuit of knowledge about the human condition. However, Girls Und Panzer has revealed the true secret to living a long, fulfilling life: Watching a show about moe girls driving tanks in competition on city-sized aircraft carriers. I wish I could make up something that amazing, that wonderful in its simplicity. It’s something so transcendently, paste-eatingly stupid, that it somehow loops around and becomes wholly brilliant, every element complementing everything else in an orgy of flamboyant Churchill tanks and inexplicable German phrasing in the subs, none of which will be pictured from here on in order to preserve the reader’s sense of wonder.
Girls Und Panzer doesn’t provide the great answers to life purely by existing, however. To even begin to dissect the greatness that emanates from every frame of the first episode would require a more eloquent writer than I, but just know that the world is one where world peace is achieved through the use of tanks in competition between schoolgirls, in order for them to become proper women. Just imagine if present-day high school emulated the example set forth here: World hunger would come to an end, everybody would band together toward the common cause of having girls drive dangerous vehicles in mock combat with each other, and the debate over the real name of the unholy matrimony between the McDouble and the McChicken (McGangbang, you philistines) would come to a halt almost immediately.
In conclusion, girls and tanks are a match made in heaven, a veritable McGangbang of metal, gunpowder, and estrogen. The content itself is no matter, because what content do you need when there are MOTHERFUCKING PINK TANKS ON GIANT AIRCRAFT CARRIERS? Seriously, that should be all the motivation you need to stop reading and watch the first episode now. Like, right now. Do it, and see the light.