23 CommentsFirst Impressions / By Inushinde /

Girls Und Panzer First Impressions: The Secret to Enlightenment

I have seen the future, and it ist wunderbar

If you’re on the fence on Girls Und Panzer at all, don’t sit in such an uncomfortable fashion any longer. Yes, it may essentially be about girls driving around tanks, but one of the tanks is pink. A pink motherfucking tank, strutting like a peacock, if peacocks ran on treads and could shoot explosive shells at anything within a certain distance. And if that isn’t enough of a reason to watch this year’s contender for “Most Egregious, Unnecessary Use of the German Language in ein Title”, also be aware that it’s about a martial art performed exclusively by women. In tanks. If that doesn’t get your engine revving and your cannon sitting erect at a 40 degree angle ready to launch its payload on unsuspecting individuals, well then clearly this didn’t prompt you to buy a tank like it did me. Thanks, Craigslist!

Because you see, Girls Und Panzer is the answer to life, the sole reason for living. For the ancient Greeks, it was the polis. For many a present-day philosopher subsisting on Top Ramen, it’s the pursuit of knowledge about the human condition. However, Girls Und Panzer has revealed the true secret to living a long, fulfilling life: Watching a show about moe girls driving tanks in competition on city-sized aircraft carriers. I wish I could make up something that amazing, that wonderful in its simplicity. It’s something so transcendently, paste-eatingly stupid, that it somehow loops around and becomes wholly brilliant, every element complementing everything else in an orgy of flamboyant Churchill tanks and inexplicable German phrasing in the subs, none of which will be pictured from here on in order to preserve the reader’s sense of wonder.

Girls Und Panzer doesn’t provide the great answers to life purely by existing, however. To even begin to dissect the greatness that emanates from every frame of the first episode would require a more eloquent writer than I, but just know that the world is one where world peace is achieved through the use of tanks in competition between schoolgirls, in order for them to become proper women. Just imagine if present-day high school emulated the example set forth here: World hunger would come to an end, everybody would band together toward the common cause of having girls drive dangerous vehicles in mock combat with each other, and the debate over the real name of the unholy matrimony between the McDouble and the McChicken  (McGangbang, you philistines) would come to a halt almost immediately.

In conclusion, girls and tanks are a match made in heaven, a veritable McGangbang of metal, gunpowder, and estrogen. The content itself is no matter, because what content do you need when there are MOTHERFUCKING PINK TANKS ON GIANT AIRCRAFT CARRIERS? Seriously, that should be all the motivation you need to stop reading and watch the first episode now. Like, right now. Do it, and see the light.

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  1. matrixEXO
    Posted October 11, 2012 at 12:50 pm | Permalink

    Can’t tell if you are actually praising it or sarcastically criticizing it. Maybe even both. Or maybe I’m just reading too much between the lines.

    • Someguy
      Posted October 11, 2012 at 2:43 pm | Permalink

      You obviously have not watched the show. It should leave no doubt as to its greatness.

      • matrixEXO
        Posted October 11, 2012 at 7:03 pm | Permalink

        I watched it. But I normally detach myself from how I feel about the show when I read articles relating to it. This way I wouldn’t go and squabble about why I think it’s still better than what whoever gets the impression of it and legitimately writes what is considered controversial to my beliefs of it.

    • Posted October 16, 2012 at 7:38 am | Permalink

      It’s one of my top five shows for the season, and that’s a glowing endorsement if I’ve ever seen one.

  2. Fumoffu!!
    Posted October 11, 2012 at 4:03 pm | Permalink

    From my calculations, that aircraft carrier must be over 600 million tons. It shows that these people have so much motivation from the school academia and tank driving that they were willing to gather that much metal and construct a ship that FRICKIN BIG!! Seriously, What is even in the lower layers of the ship? I want to know!!

    • Noname
      Posted October 11, 2012 at 5:35 pm | Permalink

      That ship blew my mind.

      • Borneo
        Posted October 11, 2012 at 6:35 pm | Permalink

        Word! Beforehand, I would’ve thought that the premise of this show was already so very ridiculous that it wouldn’t possibly be capable to suprise me any more. And then, at the last minute, it pulled the stunt with the friggin’ city carrier… I don’t even.

    • Shogun
      Posted October 11, 2012 at 7:13 pm | Permalink

      You’re very clever, young man, but it’s no use — it’s panzers all the way down!

      • Posted October 16, 2012 at 7:39 am | Permalink

        It’s a ship made of discarded panzers.

  3. anon
    Posted October 11, 2012 at 4:08 pm | Permalink

    holy cow, thats one big a** ship.

    looks like I have to watch it to believe it.

    • Posted October 16, 2012 at 7:47 am | Permalink

      See it to believe it, and just to know what the new best show in decades will be.

  4. Noname
    Posted October 11, 2012 at 5:33 pm | Permalink

    Half of the episode I wondered what the hell is the target audience for this show. The other half was deciphering the meaning of the German words in the subs.

    And at the end the revelation of that hugely out of proportions ship blew my mind. I can’t say that is didn’t leave an impression.

    • Posted October 16, 2012 at 7:49 am | Permalink

      If nothing else, the sheer audacity is charming by itself.

  5. Adrian
    Posted October 11, 2012 at 6:15 pm | Permalink

    I think I’ll watch this in German subs.

  6. Ian K
    Posted October 11, 2012 at 7:17 pm | Permalink

    M3 Lee-chan may have a high profile and limited traversal of her main canon, but she’ll try her best!

    You can do it, M3 Lee-chan!


    NOOO, M3 LEE-CHAN!!!

  7. Scamp
    Posted October 11, 2012 at 11:26 pm | Permalink

    This is exactly the post I would have written if I had gotten to this first.

    Goddamn, this show is amazing

    • Posted October 16, 2012 at 7:51 am | Permalink

      What took you so long? Shame on you for not watching this as soon as it came out.

  8. Posted October 12, 2012 at 1:23 am | Permalink

    I never realized how badly I wanted my school to have “TANKS” as an option until now. I won’t become a true woman until I learn to ride one!

    • Posted October 16, 2012 at 7:52 am | Permalink

      I wish I could ride one competitively. Alas, I’m but a male, and it’s unseemly to be seen doing such a womanly activity.

  9. Posted October 13, 2012 at 4:29 am | Permalink

    I really hope that your “transcendentally, paste-eatingly stupid” line makes it into the promotional material. I think it could move some units.

    • Posted October 16, 2012 at 7:54 am | Permalink

      Be sure to let everyone who releases it know. And since I’m sure even non-anime distributors will want this licensed everywhere, it shouldn’t be too difficult.

  10. Alex Voda
    Posted October 13, 2012 at 11:00 am | Permalink

    I love how consistent the premise of this show is.
    The thought process of choosing this school is obvious now.
    If you want to avoid driving tanks you want to avoid any land military and chose either the navy or the air force.

    This also tells us that this city carrier is one of a kind, or at least the only one the county has.

  11. Posted October 13, 2012 at 1:18 pm | Permalink


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