BREAD

MUTHA FOOKIN BREAD

LIKE WOOOOOAAAAAHHH MAN, IT’S BREAD

Sorry, but when I reach the end of first impression posts, my brain starts to melt out of my ears as I struggle to come up with something new to say. Especially when it comes to something as utterly banal as BREAD: THE ANIMATION.

The story in BREAD: THE ANIMATION is about this guy called Rick. Everybody loves Rick because he has the best goddam BREAD in town. I’m not quite sure what it is he puts in his BREAD to make everyone so thrilled by it. Since everybody seems to be enraptured by the smell of them, so much so they can smell the bread from miles away, I’m going to assume the secret ingredient is petrol. That would also explain why the mental capacities of all the citizens in the town are damaged. The three girls who help him with that jaw dropping, drool inducing BREAD do not have the brain capacity between the three of them to outwit a hedgehog. They seem to only ever think about BREAD as well as how wonderful Rick is, mainly because he is the one with that delicious BREAD.

Not that the entire episode is of the main character and his three dimwitted lady friends carting his amazing BREAD around the town. Oh wait, yes it is! That’s the entire fucking episode. OK, so at one point they go into the forest, but they’re still delivering BREAD to everyone. They revitalise a wounded Precure plushy with some of Rick’s revitalising BREAD. They get really angry when an elf insults Rick’s awe-inspiring BREAD. Those girls got really pissy at that. They have been sampling large portions of Rick’s BREAD all their lives, so they know its glories more than any stupid elf. Also there was some other wolf girl or something, who also wanted some of Rick’s juicy BREAD, saying it’s nowhere near as good as the BREAD from the other person in town.

The only way I got through the anime without gnawing at my own arm was replacing the word BREAD with PENIS. I advise you to go back and re-read this post with that in mind.

St.Peter: Ah jeez God, you’re such a nice guy. Giving that humble Irish anime blogger the anime of his dreams. You truly are an all-loving being.

God: What? No I’m not. That anime is going to be rubbish. The writer I chose only wrote one or two episodes of Geass, he won’t be able to produce anything other than a lazy knock-off. Besides, have you seen the crap Noitamina have been producing lately? I can’t wait to see the look on that bloggers face when he sees what he thought would be a jewel encrusted crown turns out to be a pile of rubbish.

St. Peter: Hahahahaha

God: Hohohohohoho

St.Peter: Hahahaha yeah God that’s kind of a dick move

God: Hmmmm, you could be right Peter. You know, I’ll make it up to the lad. I’ll fix some minds to create the perfect anime for him.

St. Peter: Oh, so you’re going to create that 26 episode TV series by Studio Rikka?

God: Don’t be silly Peter, you know that’s never going to happen. I’ll create a 26 episode over the top thriller/horror anime, except make it come from a place he doesn’t expect. Now, which animation studio will I descend upon…hmmm…

*Some time later, in a office belonging to a small animation studio in Japan*

God: Greetings mortals! I have come to you with a most noble of tasks. You are to cease creating worthless animation projects and work on the greatest piece of television entertainment known to man. I shall bestow upon you vocabulary skills to render Shakespeare speechless, a hand to create artistic works that would make Michelangelo weep, and the story telling capabilities that would make even Kentaro Miura throw down his pen. Are you ready?

Asread staff member 1: durrrr?

God: Ummm, I said, are you ready to make this great anime?

Asread staff member 1: Duh make anime?

God: Yes, make anime. Great anime. Do you understand?

Asread staff member 1: …make more Shuffle?

God: Yes. Wait, I mean–

Asread staff member 1: MAKE MORE SHUFFLE!

God: No, bad man. No more Shuffle

Asread Staff Member 1: *turns to the rest of the room* hey guys, we’re going to make more Shuffle!

Asread Staff Member 2: Wooh Shuffle!

God: No, stop, no please stop

Asread Staff Member 3: MOAR SHUFFLE!

Asread Staff Member 4: om nom nom my shoes are tasty

Asread Staff Member 2: We should make it a recap of the last season. We’ll call it ~Memories of Memories~

God: No don’t do that, please stop–

Asread Staff Member 1: That’s a brilliant idea!

Asread Staff Member 3: MOAR SHUFFLE!!!

Asread Staff Member 4: om nom nom socks

God: Oh dear, this may be harder than I thought…

*Some time later, back in heaven*

St. Peter: So, how did it go?

God: Well, I think I got it. There might be some hiccups though. I used up my ‘budget creation’ power when I made Guilty Crown, so it will lack that. And there may be some down episodes where the main character spends his time getting really embarrassed by his mother. But I think it may have worked…

Promo material for OreKa

Noitamina, the popular late night programming block dedicated to hosting anime aimed towards a demographic outside the usual young adult male group, have announced their anime for the winter season of 2012: Ore no Kawaii Okaa-san and Magical♥TrapChu.

Ore no Kawaii Okaa-san is a heartwarming comedy/drama about a mother who travels back in time to meet her son she never knew. Problem is, the time travelling has also reversed her ageing, turning her into a cute 10 year old girl, leaving it up to her son, now a 16 year old teenage boy, to take care of her. The director Keitaro Motonaga (Akane Iro Ni Somaru Saku, School Days) said that in his adaptation he would strive to match the tough issues of parenthood and the main character’s Oedipus Complex of the original Light Novel.

Magical♥TrapChu took the popular transgendered character from the visual novel, Chu-Chu Train Time, and made him the star of his own television anime. The producer of the Noitamina timeslot said he hoped the show would combine the values of Wandering Son and ride the Madoka Magica popularity wave to produce an anime that would deconstruct the very idea that magical girl anime had to be about young girls.

Both anime are set to air this winter.

Not a Madoka post. This was just the best anime representation of him upstairs I could find

So there was I, minding my own business. Chilling in my room, scratching my bum and procrastinating on twitter, when God appeared before me and spake thus:

God: SCAMP! I have come to you with a message

Scamp: Oh no, is this the call? Where you come down to me and tell me to abandon my materialistic wishes, devote myself in a life of servitude and become a priest?

God: No, you foolish mortal. I wouldn’t come in person for such an insignificant task. No, I’m here to discuss something much more important: Anime

Scamp: Anime? Really?

God: That is correct. I implore you Scamp, the mighty anime scribe of the emerald isle, what would be the anime of your dreams? Speak now and I shall make it so

Scamp: As in you’ll create my perfect anime?

God: Are you hard of hearing? Make you decision this instant or your chance will be gone forever

Scamp: OK, how about this. Studio Rikka, the creators of Time of Eve and Pale Cocoon, making a 26 episode TV series about a cyborg stowaway on an intergalatic cruiser who the crew gradually warm up to, with music by Yoko Ka–

God: Hold on a second lad. I may be God, but I can’t perform miracles

Scamp: Fine then. How about a collaboration between a the director for Death Note and the writing staff from Code Geass, working together to create an sci-fi original story for the Noitamina timeslot. Oh, and animation by Production IG.

God: Done

Scamp: …wait, really?

God: Yeah, done. Oh, and I’ll add in music by Supercell and character designs by redjuice

Scamp: Who? I didn’t ask for either of them

God: You didn’t specify either of those positions, and I’m a vocaloid fanboy, so Supercell and redjuice it is

Scamp: Wait, really? This anime now exists?

God: Yup. Guilty Crown, coming this October.

Scamp: Oh hey, since you’re here, I’d also like an adaptation of Saint Young Men by Shaft. Oh, and a new original anime by Kenji Kamiyama, but this time don’t end the series with two movies. Oh, and a Durarara sequel. And how about a–

God: Only one wish. I’m God, not a genie

Welcome Irish Blog Awards judges to The Cart Driver. I am delighted and humbled to have been nominated for such a prestigious event and their panel of highly capable and, if you don’t mind, quite beautiful/handsome (delete whichever appropriate) judges who will be overseeing the event. I would like to offer you a guide as to why I am deserving of such an award.

First, it might be strange to see a blog such as this in a competition for Irish blogs while I talk about Asian cartoons. However I have always remained an Irish man first and foremost, never abandoning my heritage and staying true to my people and my family in the Emerald Isle.

Most of the posts on this fantastic blog are reviews of these wonderful cartoons. I am calm and patient reviewer who takes each scene on it’s own merits and doesn’t overreact when little aspects of the show don’t go the way I had envisioned them.

Despite having reviewed many different series over the years, I remain good humoured throughout my posts. One point I try to make in particular is not to repeat myself with ideas I put through in previous reviews and approach everything I watch with an open mind.

When it comes to reviews, I believe one of the most important things is to always keep your mind on the product you are reviewing yourself. I will refrain from making any comments about fandom, especially making sure to refrain from insulting any potential readers. I am far too kind a person to partake in such hate mongering.

I’m a highly original blogger. I am certainly the only blog in the Irish Blog Awards that writes strictly about anime, but even in the anime blogging community I am well known for original ideas and not shamefully ripping off other bloggers ideas and passing them as my own.

I do try to contribute back to the anime blogging community as well. I even ran a competition similar to that of the Irish Blog Awards called the Aniblog Tourney. Needless to say it was very well received amongst the anime community.

As you can see, I am a highly established and quality blogger, with plenty of fans. Even with the vast repertoire of knowledge you judges must have, it is still possible that you may not have heard of The Cart Driver. A quick look at the comment sections would reveal that I am indeed a man in high standing and undisputed talent.

So look deep into your hearts and choose the right blog to win at the Irish Blog Awards. I’m sure you will make the correct choice.

This episode starts with introducing the dojiko, twintailed Russian character. Revolutionary I say, who ever thought of a twin-tailed dojiko! Those two never go together. Neither does it go with Russian. However she could have been from Atlanta for what difference in made to her character. Why did they even say she was from Russia? She’s just as shiny as every other character in Rainbow Gate. They don’t make much of an effort with her dojiko-ness. If boobs don’t bounce realistically, then neither is tripping up going to displayed realistically. She simply moves herself into the ‘oh dear I’m tripping’ position and the animators proceed to rotate her body 90 degrees. At least that’s what they did the first time around. Every single tripping scene after that neglected to show the actual falling action. It’s as though the animators realised they had no idea how animate someone falling over so simply stopped trying.

It’s the little things that make Rainbow Gate tick. Simple things, like Rio teaching the Russian girl with no hint of a Russian accent whatsoever to deal cards for blackjack. Upon watching her shuffle the cards correctly, Rio instantly believes that’s enough. No checking to see if she knows the rules, which way to deal or the etiquette of blackjack. She can shuffle the cards in a fancy manner, that’s all that’s needed. I’m guessing all she needed to know for the roulette table was how to throw the ball in and she has all the qualifications needed.

The plot appears in the greatest fashion imaginable. We have a special magical collectors cards (sold in booster packs in your local casino today, I assume) that people have to battle each other in card games in order to win off each other, which I’m pretty sure was the plot to season 2 of Yu-Gi-Oh. Best way is how Rio receives her card. After being asked how, she looks into the distance pensively and recounts the epic tale. Shadowy man walks in, gives her card, walks out of door menacingly. The End. It’s played so dramatically with lopsided angles and shadowy figures as he walks out the door, it’s utterly brilliant. It reminds me of Sexy Commando when Masaru recounted his epic tale of how he got his magical shoulder rings (*spoiler* he saw them in the woods and picked them up. The End).

Again it’s the little things that make Rainbow Gate. When Rio was challenged to a duel with the Gate Cards as they’re called, the crowd all started furiously whispering “OMG a Gate Card match”. A phrase like such was repeated 6 times, with little variations. Gate Card being repeated 6 times over, just in case we hadn’t heard the first 5 times, is a lot funnier than it sounds. Try say one phrase over 6 times in an excited fashion and try not laugh. Other point of reference is Rio’s boobs. No really, look at them for a second. Look at where they are attached to her body. They grow out of her armpits. No part of them is actually attached to her chest. Breast biology wouldn’t worry me so much, but so much time is spent focusing on them it’s hard to ignore them.

Before I get into the final battle, I want to first share a piece of information about this episode. The storyboard writer of Rio tweeted the following upon watching this episode.

itsuki_Imazaki: Ah, episode 2 of Rio has already started. I’m worried about it…
itsuki_Imazaki: Looks like it’s mostly reverted to the original scenario.
itsuki_Imazaki: It doesn’t make any sense in that direction.
itsuki_Imazaki: What the hell is this? I’m virtually not responsible for this.
itsuki_Imazaki: Stop using my storyboard sporadically…

Now if you catch your breath for a second, remember that this probably happens more often than we realise in anime. Still, for the storyboard writer to come out on twitter and point out how little sense this anime made makes the whole thing even better. This is no longer planned nonsense. This is just plain bad producing. That’s even better!

The final battle this time involved a giant roulette table powered by a bowling alley, the whole structure about as big as your average 4 star hotel. This wasn’t even the alternate world by the way. That consisted of Rio and the badguy having a beach volleyball game with numbers. The characters clothes all turned to revolving numbers, the badguy was defeated by a giant one and, more importantly, by a rogue plaster. Again I’m sorta lost for words on the final battle. It’s arguably the closest this series does to doing something right, for a given value ‘right’.

Does this count as a costume change? She didn’t even transform into this costume in the magical world of duel monsters numbers. She just started having numbers float around her in normal world area. I’m going to have to keep track of how many costume changes Rio has over the course of this show. This episode had 4 new ones by my count. Wait, did I just suggest I’m going to keep blogging this show? I might, I’m not sure how long I can last. I might eventually run out of material to laugh at. Heck, I’m even holding back a bit with this post, writing about 600 words less this time.

Rio kicks things off in exactly the way it wants to continue. A mysterious pair of disembodied and extremely shiny legs lies under the covers with sexy saxophone music. You know the very music I’m speaking of. The one that goes duu du duu duuuuuuuu and usually has a women orgasming halfway through the final duuuuu. You think maybe the disembodied and extremely shiny legs would maybe shuffle about a bit or, judging by the music, instantly spread themselves as far apart as is reasonably possible. But nope, instead we get the same underwear stealing ferret that appears in numerous other fanservice anime, who I assume pulled down the sheets and stole the underwear underneath while simultaneously giving the disembodied and extremely shiny legs a Brazilian, but we only got to see the underwear stealing ferret get as far as pulling off the the sheet to reveal the extremely shiny legs were actually connected to an equally shiny pair of underwear.

The animation decides to take the route that anything looks good so long as you make it shiny. This is the direction they take with the fanservice at least. It’s a bit of a shock to see how poorly the jiggle physics are when you consider just how much time this show spends it’s time with the camera glued to a pair of breasts. There’s more than that though, asides from the quality tram in the above picture. Eyes don’t look like they’re attached to a persons face. They look in most cases like they’re hovering a few inches in front of the face. It got to the point that I couldn’t work out whether the villains eyes were his real ones or attached to his sunglasses. I think they were meant to be the type of sunglasses people wear when gambling to throw the opponent off, but then I’d have to assume the other characters are also wearing invisible glasses with eyes imprinted on the frames. The voices don’t match the lip flaps, the side characters are all the same design with different hair, breast size and different coloured magical hovering eyes. Top that all off with the aformentioned sheen that everything has.

Look at the shine on those breasts! You see what I’m talking about now? They jggled when she turned around as well, but they went up and down instead of side to side without her actually making any up or down movement. It’s like there’s a jiggle button built into the animation that the producers simply hit whenever they see a female character move. It’s the same stock jiggle that has nothing to do with the movement the character is making. In fact, I wouldn’t be entirely surprised if the owner of this casino has a built in electricuting machine that causes said jiggle. The blatent sexualisation of casinos and the demeaning jobs given to the women who work there make for an interesting undercurrent, especially since not a single women in the entire show seems too pushed about being dressed up in that way. Neither do the women attending the casino, who all seem just as enraptured by the casino girls as the men are. In fact, I wonder if any of the men even noticed the girls were wearing so little, they were too busy going OMG CASINO GODDESS I WIN MONEY NOW! Also seriously, look at those boobs. They’re just two pink shiny balls that aren’t even attached to her chest. No bra either, it’s not part of work uniform. We know because we got to see Rio dressing. I assume the underwear stealing ferret got them all.

Look at the shininess of the girls face! Look at those eyes, they aren’t attached to the shiny face for either of them. It’s even weirder when they blink, like the girl above, because the eyes shrink back into the face. Heck, why am I devoting so much time to the animation. The story is far more lulzy. Rio is a poster girl for the casino, who’s job is technically one of a dealer. However the owner has every reason to keep her as far away from the casino floor as often as possible because when she walks the floors, everyone around her wins. Yes, they instantly win every single bet. A single absent-minded stroll by Rio through the floors of the casino would probably cost the casino several thousand every single time, something no amount of advertising would realistically be able to recoup. It’s utterly baffling, but makes for many a hilarious scene.

That there is Rio’s amazing ability turning on and bankrupting the casino instantly. When you consider that the anime is technically an advertisement for a pachinko game, this whole sequence takes on an even better twist. Compare the spaced out casino compared to the loud, cramped pachinko parlours and Rio pachinko machines would typically reside. The anime even tells people that there’s no point in getting angry with a machine because your luck will change eventually so you’ve just got to keep slotting those coins in (no really, that was pretty much the exact lines). The marriage proposal scene took the cake. Guy is a wimp who can’t work up the courage to propose to his girlfriend? Don’t worry, your local casino will help! Just make wild bets on a whim and you’ll instantly gain the courage to propose to her. Of course she won’t accept you without money to pay for the wedding, so what will you do? Don’t worry, your local casino is here to help again by providing you with the funds for your special day!

Remember I mentioned the villains eyes and how I was convinced they were attached to his sunglasses? Heck, I haven’t even talked about the villains previous appearence, have I? How five of them attacked Rio and the little girl, then Rio did a judo throw on one of the lackeys while wearing a maids outfit and they instantly all ran away? Did I even mention the little girl earlier? How she can’t find anything interesting in the city at all, getting bored by such things like boats and magic shows, only to be utterly enthralled by the casino? Anyway, this guys eyes. Look at them there. They are clearly closed, so therefore not attached to his sunglasses. But now…

*poof* suddenly his glasses have eyes attached to them! They even have an edge on the right hand side. Maybe they change when he turns or something? I think he takes these glasses off later in the episode, so we’ll see then. What are the badguys after? The little girls teddy bear because *spoiler* he’s a collector of rare teddy bears. He challenges Rio to a duel, proper Yu Gi Oh style. Card games and all. Rio accepts because the companies policy is ‘whatever the customer wishes’, she says with a boob jiggle or two, to imply that it really is whatever the customer wishes *wink* *wink* *nudge* *nudge*. Oh yeah, did I mention the famous actor in the casino, who the villain makes a big deal out of the fact YOUR LOCAL CASINO can attract beautiful celebrities?

The final sequence involves Rio wearing a wedding dress to become one with the cards, her and the villain having a believe in the heart of the cards battle, which involves an alternate world transformation sequences with sparkles and flowers and maths symbols and playing cards and jiggle physics (I never thought I’d see the day that the queen of spades was subjugated to jiggle physics) in one gloriously stupid finale. Oh, and Rios wedding dress gets ripped off to reveal those shiny panties and shinier legs. It was glorious. It was utterly dreadful in every single way possible, but oh so glorious. You have to watch this, even though I’ve spoiled the entire episode for you.

On a final note, those were actually his eyes all along. Why are they bulging out of his head like a mucked up Sims character? Did he draw those eyelashes on with permanent marker? These are just some of the weird and wonderful questions this anime has yet to answer.

CRAZY BABY~!

FEEL THE GROOVE MAN

JUST WILD HEAVEN

DON’T STOP DANCING

ZETSUBO NO CARNIVAL

CRAZY FOR YOU

HEY CHECK THIS OUT

IT’S A MOONWALK

IT’S A MOONWALK

NOW A HEADSPIN!

My moment in anime #4: Every single time TK was given a line

GET CHANCE AND LUCK!

Some complain that it is all but impossible to understand what is going on thanks to this overzealous censorship, as any explanatory dialogue or even helpful noises have been removed too.

As you can see above and below, viewers in some areas are treated to mysterious plot twists and unexplainable incidents, amongst other efforts at DVD sales promotion. The complex storylines and imagery promised were completely expunged in favour of unitelligable actions by the characters, gratioitous fanservice for male and female audiences, but none of the genre-altering plot which is the major premise of the title.

Interestingly, previous works by Bones were broadcast with the plot making about as much sense… Is there some underlying factor prompting these actions?

Those not intent on waiting for the DVDs for the unedited version of the plot will have to make due with what they’re given, as Star Driver’s intentions are not clear on any station it’s being broadcasted on.